300. You Go First as the MOM (How to Do This & Why It Matters More Than You Think)

Scottie Durrett  0:01  
Scottie, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty Durrett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey Mama, and welcome back to momplex. I am your host. Scotty dread, Mama of three, Soul reader, burnout survivor, and you're unapologetically real, true, authentic, hype mama. I'm basically Mel Robbins for mamas. I have more snacks in my purse, more WHAT THE FUCK moments in my week, and I probably carry 30 other people's anxiety in my own heart, but I'm on a mission, because I know that's how you are, too, and I'm on a mission to empower every single mama I meet, because when we Learn how to not just manage our life, but transform our life so that we can feel clear and strong, grounded and lit up and waking up in the morning, not only looking forward to the day, but with that vibrancy that I know You remember when you last had it, and I know you want it again, and just trusting that as you move throughout your day, you don't even have to try to be a good mom. You just are. Your energy, does the power parenting, your self respect, does the teaching and your aligned life becomes the lesson which takes so much pressure off of us, always turning into every moment with our kids, into a lesson. You yourself. You are the lesson, and that's what I want to empower you. So I'm so happy you're here. Welcome back to the show. So let's get started. Your time is precious to me. I don't want to waste it on fluff. If you want to know what I'm up to, you can always send me a DM, but just go to the gram. There's a lot of there's a lot of my routine on there, but this is the moment of truth. You go first period, not your partner, not your schedule, not your therapist or your life coach, not your next vacation. You you you. So if you are waiting for your kids to be less needy, for your partner to suddenly become a mind reader and just know what you need with the help of the dishes and after school activities, or you're waiting fingers crossed that your job will get less stressful, or this season of life will soon pass, and you're saying all of that needs to happen before I can finally show up for myself. I am the living proof that if you keep waiting for life to open up space and energy, you'll be waiting forever. But that doesn't just hurt you. It teaches your kids to wait forever too. Circling back to what I just said, you go first. You set the tone. So if you are in this wishing and waiting mindset, fingers crossed. I hope life is better today, but you're not changing your own responsibility of it, nothing's going to change. You have to go first or nothing changes. And that's the truth that they don't put in Pinterest quotes. They're getting more bold about it. People are coming out and especially saying like, you know what? No one's coming and we need to, especially me, I'm trying to come out as often as I can and just empower all of us to realize we can shift how we look at our life. I'll give you an example. Six years ago, I had my my breakdown. I was chronically exhausted, chronically burned out, and I collapsed to the floor, and I was miserable. I was fucking miserable. And from that moment on, you can hear that story in my laundry basket. Epiphany. The episode is this from Stepford wife to woo, woo mama. And I really open up and I get vulnerable. I'm not afraid to tell you where I was and how I was feeling, because now I get to tell you where I am. And you know, I did cry. I did walk on all the stepping stones that got me from one side of that river bank to where I was not feeling good, over to the other side of the river bank where I'm feeling better. It's not an end journey, it's a constant commitment to our health and wellness. But I am proof that you can get yourself feeling better even if life doesn't look different, because on paper, my life looks the same that it did six years ago. I still work from home. I still have three busy kids who need me a lot. I'm married to the same man who travels 70% of the year. I'm involved heavily with my kids schools. I still have family who needs me. I still have a lot of different commitments on my plate. So it's not that my life has changed, but I've changed how I show up to my life, and I think that's a really important reframe. I used to think that being a good mom meant going down with a ship, putting yourself last, martyring yourself every second of every day, every lunch packed, every emotion managed or fixed, every damn school event tended while I was skipping meals, I was skipping rest, I was skipping time with myself to make sure I was always there for my kids. Here's the difference. I am still always there for my kids, but I'm now there for myself, and that's the shift. I wasn't eating well, I was sleeping like crap. I didn't make doctor's appointments for myself. I didn't go to the dentist for two years. I think she still is mad at me, my dentist about that I'd be cooking dinner while helping with homework, answering a text from work, folding laundry with my foot, basically. And one night, one morning after getting my kids out the door, I just freaking lost it. My body and my soul were like girl time out. We are not doing okay, not because anyone did anything wrong, and not because I wasn't meant to be a mom. It was because I had vanished from my own life. And you know who noticed my daughter? She looked at me one day and said, Mom, you look freaking miserable. She wasn't blaming herself. I don't think she was just seeing me honestly. And that's what's so great about kids, right? They say the darndest things. But I was mortified at that moment. I was mortified now looking back when I can connect the dots, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful she had the confidence and the bravery to say that, because that moment really snapped me awake. If I wasn't going to prioritize myself, who would and what the hell was I teaching her? And so here's another real life moment for you. A few months ago, my daughter had a writing competition. She's in the middle of senior year. We're all burned out. Not only is the rigor of senior year academics off the charts, with all the exams, all the APS, all the thing, all the extracurriculars that these kids are doing nowadays they need to do in order to have a robust application. But then on top of that is the visiting schools, applying to schools, and it's it's a lot. In addition to that, we were traveling a lot for her shows, and that's physically exhausting, but she was tired and anxious and was just not herself. I could have pushed her like I would have used to, and said, You made a commitment. We can't back out on this blah blah, blah, blah, blah. I made it a lesson, but I've been modeling something different lately. So I said, How do you feel? What do you need? And she took a deep breath, and she said, I think I need to rest today. And you know what? I was so proud, because that's a girl who saw her mom go first, so she knew it was safe for her to say that to me, and now she knows it's okay to honor her body, her gut, her needs. And I will say I have done a good job of also modeling an incredible work ethic. My husband and I both are very committed to our dreams. And so while I could have gone down the you made a commitment, and we're here, and we can't quit, and all that, she doesn't have quitter energy. And so I was able to separate these two moments. I was able to see that her taking care of herself had nothing to do with her work ethic. That wasn't going to be a red flag that she was not going to follow her through with her commitments. In fact, what she's learned from watching me is that when you take care of yourself and rest, you can actually then show up better for the next day when you need to follow through with your commitments. You know, here's what I think most moms I didn't realize this. I don't think most moms realize this. I don't think most humans realize this. Your nervous system, as the mom sets the tone for the whole damn house, you are the emotional thermostat, right? Your kids just don't hear what you say. They absorb how you're living. So it's not even the words that are coming out of your mouth. It's actually your lifestyle. I'm in NLP, and they talk about how communication, only 7% of that is words. 7% how

Scottie Durrett  9:54  
we communicate becomes so much more about our energy and our physiology, right? And neurobiology confirms this. Children co regulate with their primary caregivers. That means they pick up on your emotional state and mirror it, even if they say, even if you say, I'm fine. So if you're anxious, if you're frantic, if you're burned out, they feel it if you're not grounded, clear, connected to yourself, they feel that too. So taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's leadership. And let's be honest, you wouldn't hand your kids a diet of crumbs and cortisol, right? Like you wouldn't say, sorry you feel like shit. That's your ticket for the rest of your life. No, you'd say, Absolutely not. No, let's take care of ourselves. So what we want to do is make sure that we are going first. So how can you actually go first as a busy mom who is locked and loaded in her routine, whose kids need you, 24/7, and I know you don't have a lot of energy, I know you're not interested in taking on a new habit. We're not gonna this is not about pressure or shooting the shit out of yourself. This is actually what this looks like. Number one, just decide, decide you matter. That's a you go first that connects to Mel Robbins, no one's coming. You have to decide your matter. No more. Quote, when I have time, you make the time, you carve it out like your life depends on it, because it does. What does this look like in your busy day, blocking 10, 1215, minutes a day that are sacred, no phone, no dishes, just you, maybe that's going outside and just sitting in a rocking chair and staring at the driveway waiting for your kid to come home from school. Number two, pick just one thing, not 20, just one thing that moves your energy back to you. I always think of moms as ATM machines. We're just constant cash flow out, and no one's ever depositing in the ATM machine anymore. We want to figure out how to get some of that energy back. How to get some of that cash back. What is the one thing that when you close your eyes and take a deep breath, you're like that sounds good to me. Is it a walk outside? Is it journaling? Is it breath work? Is it silence? Is it, you know, turning on your 80s jams and driving around with your windows down? Is it going to an art museum? Is it reading a book in a hammock? Whatever it is. So I mean, honestly, this could look like lighting a candle and taking three deep breaths before anyone gets your attention in the morning. This could mean getting to carpool 10 minutes early, turning off your car and just breathing and listening to some beautiful piano music. In fact, on Spotify, if you Google most beautiful piano songs, the most beautiful playlist comes on. Oh my gosh. It is really healing. It feels so good. Number three, say it out loud. Say out loud. I decide I matter. I'm doing this so I can feel good and I can show up better. Let your kids and your partner hear that. Let them see that how this looks. Tell them I'm taking 10 minutes to move my body so I don't lose my mind today. Thanks for helping me do that. Thanks for understanding and honestly watch what happens. It might feel clunky at first. Maybe it'll take a few times for you to figure out, like, oh, what I really need is music. What I really need is breathing. What I really need is fresh air. What I really need is a book. What I really need is rolling around in the grass down the hill like I used to as a kid. It's gonna take some it might be chunky, maybe your kids forget, and they might interrupt you the first time, but then all of a sudden, it'll just start happening. Your kids and your family will adjust to it. They will respect your time. You will love the way you feel, and it will be taking care of everybody in the house, right, and learning from the energy that you lead with they hear that that you're deciding that you matter, and that is such a powerful, beautiful gift we can give our kids, especially I talked about this last week, especially in today's landscape with the pressure of how hard it is to get into college, all the things they're seeing on Tiktok and Snapchat and the gram, all the things that are coming out on TV, it's just it's so much faster than it was when we were kids. So we want to give them a default setting of how I feel matters, so that when things are flying at their face so quickly, they're already dealing with it so much faster. And when you choose that you matter and you go first, that is setting the foundation for them as well, right? Because when you go first, you stop spiraling around in guilt. You start. Modeling confidence, and you have so much patience, your house runs on peace, not panic. You probably will stop yelling so much. Your kids will feel safer and stronger and can be more honest with you and more grounded, because they have a mom who respects herself, a mom who feels good, they will feel that energy and be attracted to it, and know that y'all are like and actually you are your kid's mom for a reason. You are their soul match their soul mate, and it's not romantic. It just means that your soul has a connection to their soul. When you're taking care of yourself inside and out, you then show up with a stronger soul. You're more connected to your true self. You're more connected to your purpose and reasoning for being on this earth, and you vibrate at a higher level of your energy. When you do that, it's all ships rise with the tide, right? Your kids will meet you where you are. So because you're the emotional thermostat. So if you're vibrating at a higher place, modeling confidence and loving yourself and choosing that you matter, they will rise to meet you. They will feel safer because of it. They will feel stronger, and they will feel more connected to you, because when you're showing up, more yourself, less filters less just surviving and actually showing up, feeling alive, they will respond to that, and y'all, relationship will get closer. You will actually be able to help them through their hard stuff much easier because of it. And they will also learn they matter because they've seen what it looks like to matter to yourself. And you'll be showing them how you do that in your busy life, I get it. This isn't easy, especially if you were not shown how to do it from your own parents. If you were not shown this when you were growing up as a kid, this is going to be all new information. If your mom put everyone else first, wore martyrdom like a badge of honor and never once said, I'm doing this because it's good for me, then this whole idea of going first can feel selfish or even flat out wrong, but just because it wasn't modeled doesn't mean you can't be the one to change the narrative. You might be the first in your family line to say my needs matter. I don't have to earn rest if I'm taking care of myself, it's going to help me. Help me take care of my kids. I can be a great mom and take care of myself at the same time, and that is powerful as hell. Yes, it's uncomfortable, yes, it'll bring up guilt and fear and even grief, and if that comes up, I'm always here for you. I can help you through that. I can support you through that. But you, I want you to know that you doing this work now is what breaks those old, tired, toxic patterns. You're not just parenting your kids. You're reparenting yourself. You're healing generations by deciding right now that this ends with you and that legacy, Mama, that's the kind your kids will thank you for one day you can be like chefs. Kiss the fuck out of this. So here's your mom flex mission for the week you go first, decide you matter, pick one thing, share it with your family and commit to it, say it out loud and make it happen, even if the dishes don't get done within five seconds of them hitting the sink, even if your kid interrupts you and they need to be reminded, even if that inner critic says you don't deserve this, you do deserve this, and Your kids deserve this too. If you need help figuring out what your soul is actually craving, book a clarity reading with me, I will help you hear YOUR OWN WISDOM louder than the noise around you. It's a very beautiful 50 minute session where you just receive a lot of helpful information about what that inner voice is trying to come out and say to you, and what, what's going on with your energy. So it's if you're not even sure how to get started, that's a great first place. I will drop the link in the show notes. I love you mama, and I want you to remember when you go first, everybody wins. All right, Mama, that's a wrap on today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. But before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, remember this you're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you sure as hell don't have to do this on autopilot. If this episode hit home, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we are in this together, and if you're feeling extra generous, please drop a review. It helps momplex reach more mamas who need this real talk until next time. Trust yourself, trust your gut, and remember you already know what to do, and you are the perfect mama for your kiddos. See you next time. Mama, love you. You.