148: How to Plan a Threesome

Andrea Askowitz 00:00:07
I'm Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer 00:00:09
I'm Alison Langer, and this is writing class radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story, and by art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing Class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like Writing Class. And we want to bring you in.

Andrea Askowitz 00:00:36
Today on our show, we bring you a story by Pamela Druckerman that just cracks me up. I know it's not like it might be bad to say that a story is funny because now the expectation is that that story is going to be really funny. But this story, I really think it'll meet those expectations.

Allison Langer 00:00:55
This story has a voice. And you will see in this episode that it's not just humor, but it's also self knowing. And that makes for a really reliable narrator. So instead of waiting till the very end to give us a status report and show us what she's learned and see the arc of the narrator, she sort of tunes in to show us where she is, how she's feeling, and what she's learned. So it's kind of a version of higher Register, but it's like her higher register for herself. And we'll explain all that in the episode, so stay tuned.

Andrea Askowitz 00:01:28
So I want to tell you how I know Pamela. It's funny because I often think of writing and tennis as like I compare them. Like I conflate them. I kind of think they're the same. So, 100 years ago, I met Pamela Druckerman. Well, actually, it's more like she met me playing tennis at the Courts of Lazarus. Like, I was probably, like 1011, and she was a little younger, and I think I was a little better. So she remembers me. It's true. Oh, my God.

Allison Langer 00:01:59
I'm shaking my head because as if you're like, Are we competitive?

Andrea Askowitz 00:02:03
Yeah, we are. So here's the thing. Times have changed. The tables have turned. Because now I totally look up to Pamela Druckerman.

Allison Langer 00:02:15
She's kicking your ass, my friend, I'm sorry to say. She's a fucking bunch of books and.

Andrea Askowitz 00:02:20
Probably yeah, she does. And she is like she is the writer I want to be. She is so good. She's an essayist. She wrote the book. There are no grown ups. She wrote another book. Bringing Up Babe. Did I say that right? Babe? Are you one of those people who took French instead of Spanish?

Allison Langer 00:02:42
Maybe.

Andrea Askowitz 00:02:45
Yeah. Okay. We're saying this because Pamela Druckerman lives in France. The only thing I know in French is okay.

Allison Langer 00:02:58
Really? You're so cliche. That is the worst. God.

Andrea Askowitz 00:03:02
My point is, I totally admire and follow Pamela Druckerman, and you will, too, after you hear this story.

Pam Druckerman 00:03:11
Yeah.

Andrea Askowitz 00:03:12
Pamela Druckerman is a journalist, an Emmy winning documentary producer and the author of five books, including Bringing Up Bebe... 

Allison Langer 00:03:22
Can I just say that people in France speak, like, ten languages and we can't even pronounce Bebe?

Andrea Askowitz 00:03:27
Well, Bringing Up Bebe has been translated into 31 languages, so how do you say it in English?

Allison Langer 00:03:33
Shit, baby.

Andrea Askowitz 00:03:35
The essay you're about to hear was adapted from her book there Are No Grownups of Midlife Coming of Age story. We'll be back with Pamela's story. Oh, and it's called how to Plan a Menage a Trois. They Say. That right. How to plan a threesome.

Allison Langer 00:03:54
That's easier.

Andrea Askowitz 00:03:56
We'll be back with Pamela's story after the break. We're back.

Allison Langer 00:04:01
I'm Alison Langer, and this is writing class radio. Here's Pamela Druckerman with her story how to Plan a Menage a Trois. 

Pam Druckerman 00:04:15
The question on my husband's birthday is always what do you get for the man who has nothing? For his 40th birthday, I had my eye on a vintage watch. It would complement his tattered sweaters and declare to the world that he is, in fact, employed. But when I mention this to him, he says what he really wants isn't a good, but a service. A threesome with me and another woman. He'd voiced this fantasy before. So had practically every guy I'd ever dated. But this time I say yes. I should say that we are normally quite dull. We don't swing or have an open marriage. Indeed, the idea of a threesome is so exotic that for a few weeks it just sits there. I occasionally mention the name of a female friend. Would she be acceptable? Absolutely, he says. It turns out that all of my girlfriends and practically all of the spouses of his friends would potentially make the cut. He doesn't want to spoil his chances by being picky. Although I'm a novice, I'm pretty sure that getting someone we know well would be a mistake. There's the enormous potential for awkwardness, and I don't want someone creating a wedge in our cozy tuesome. I'm envisioning this as a one off anyway, I wouldn't know which friend to ask. Straight women don't tend to compare same sex fantasies. It's hard to know who'd be tempted and who'd be appalled. After I say yes, I get an email from an editor wondering if I have ideas for a personal essay. As a freelancer, I'm not used to being asked to write anything. I quickly sent her three possibilities making friends in Paris, where we now live, the travails of renovating my kitchen in French, and planning a threesome for my husband's birthday. I honestly don't realize that there's an obvious frontrunner. Soon I have a contract to deliver an essay titled 40th Birthday Threesome. To be fair, I was planning to have the threesome anyway, but now I'm contractually obligated. We rule out advertising online. Since that seems like an open call for venereal disease, we decide that the ideal candidate would be a sexy acquaintance. She'd be vetted everyone as acquaintances don't have herpes, but easy to avoid afterward. A candidate soon emerges. She's a friend of a friend I've met at dinner parties, but whose name I can never remember. By chance, she's seated behind us at a concert with a man who appears to be her date. For the first time, I noticed that she's quite pretty. How about her? I whisper to my husband. Yes, he says too loudly. After the concert, the four of us chat. I make firm eye contact with the woman who I figured out is named Emma, act fascinated by her views on the music, and wait for my window to suggest that she and I meet for lunch. She seems flattered. A few days later, we exchange emails and make plans to have Thai food. I get gussied up and am pleased to see when I arrive, that she has too. Does she know she's on a date? Usually I'm so concerned about what other people think of me that my lunch companion could be bleeding to death and I wouldn't notice. But pursuing the threesome has made me more attentive over soup. I listen carefully to Emma and quickly understand something that would have once taken me years to notice under a pond of sassiness is a lagoon of insecurity. She clings to boyfriends who mistreat her, convinced that she doesn't deserve them. This probably means that she's too emotionally fragile for a threesome, but I decide to broach the topic anyway, at least to get some practice. I do this under the guise of exchanging girly confidences, saying, you won't believe what my husband wants for his birthday. I tell her that I've agreed to it in principle, but that I haven't yet found the third party. I think she gets that I'm propositioning her, but instead of taking the bait, she becomes the Cassandra of threesomes. She describes the rogue ex boyfriend who pressured her to go to bed with him and his former lover, and the friend of hers who swap partners and never swap back. And what if it's someone who's incredibly hot? How could you possibly handle that? Not only is Emma out of the running, she talks of future lunch dates at other Asian restaurants. I'm suddenly sympathetic to those male friends of mine who disappeared when I got engaged. Why stick around? That night I tell my husband about that date, which cost me €50 and ate up half my work day. Thanks for taking care of that, he says without looking up from his computer. It's exactly what he says when I've waited home all morning for the plumber. Planning this threesome has become another one of the administrative tasks I do in our marriage. Nevertheless, my new man's eye view of the world is thrilling. I notice women everywhere browsing in bookstores, in line, at the supermarket. I even scan my book group, middle aged expatriates who like to read about the Holocaust for candidates. My posture toward the world has changed. Instead of sitting pretty and hoping that others notice me. I've become someone who decides what she wants and goes after it. Putting this once furtive fantasy on the table is Energizing. Threesomes suddenly seem to be everywhere, although the messages about them are paradoxical. Every straight guy wants to have one, but no one's had a good one. A male friend tells me that in his threesome, one of the women had a serious, unrecipircated crush on him. A character on Gossip Girl explains, inside every threesome is a twosome and a onesome. I'm undaunted, but no closer to finding a candidate. I decide to have a look at some websites. Perhaps not everyone on them has gone aria. I quickly see that we have competition. The couples all claim to be gorgeous in under 30. Since I can't compete on looks or age, I distinguish myself by sounding desperate. I'd like to give my partner his best birthday present ever an experience with me and another woman. Will you help me? 15 minutes later, I get a reply that's literate and nice. Hi. I also have a boyfriend with the same fantasy. Not very original, I know, but boys will be boys. Maybe we could end up doing a deal, though not necessarily. If we'd like each other, I'd be happy to help out. What kind of scenario did you have in mind? She signs it N. It may seem imprudent to pledge loyalty to an anonymous bisexual woman who trolls no strings websites, but I decide on the spot that I won't respond to anyone else. I like her sisterly tone and her perfect spelling. I'm not sure about the exchange deal, but that doesn't seem to be mission critical for her. Although when I read the email to my husband that night, he says, I'll swap you. We exchange more emails. I call myself P. It turns out that N is a straight, divorced, disease free mom in her 40s. She's relieved to hear that I have kids too. She quotes the French expression one need not die an idiot. I agree. We decide to meet for coffee. As I'm getting ready to go meet her silk sweater, dress, foundation, mascara I'm suddenly struck by the strangeness of what I'm about to do try to convince a stranger to sleep with me and my husband. I'm nervous. How do I persuade a woman to take off her clothes? My husband, who spent years of his life addressing exactly this challenge, gives me a pep talk. With women, you have to listen to all the stuff they say, he explains. They have these complex emotional issues, and you have to figure out what they are. Just keep asking questions. Be pleasant and reassuring, but also slightly mysterious. I'm already sitting down when En walks into the cafe. She's a slim, pretty brunette with a friendly face. Her makeup is fresh. She must be eager to make a good impression too. I am certain that my husband will like her I try to seem riveted as she describes her boyfriend woes her life as a single mom, and the health issues of her elderly father. Despite the peculiar circumstances, she's clinging to the conventions of female bonding. I steer the conversation towards sex. She says she's never been with another woman and isn't sure how she'll feel about it. She doesn't mention the possible swap. When I show her a picture of my husband, she just glances for her. This is about the two of us. We part warmly with a chaste, double cheek kiss. I wait several days before sending her a note telling her she's been in my thoughts and that I found her charming in every way. She replies immediately, saying that she's very game for our adventure, but that she'd like to meet again to discuss our plans in more detail. Plans? I'd imagine the threesome unfolding spontaneously, but by now I'm goal oriented. If that's what she needs, I'll do it. At our second meeting. Her insecurities surface do I think this counts as cheating on her boyfriend? Of course not. What kind of women does my husband like? Brunettes. We lay down some ground rules to avoid it getting too thrusty and porn like. The two of us will be in charge. My husband won't make a move unless we allow it. She and I will go to the small furnished apartment he uses as an office, and he'll join us there once we're ready. Do you think he'll agree to these terms? She asks. He'll just be grateful to be in the room, I say. Everything seemed settled, but again we part without fixing the date. I send the usual lovely to see you follow up. She replies that she enjoyed our conversation too, but that she'd like to meet again to talk more about our plans. Again? I'm beginning to doubt she'll go through with this. I'm tired of putting on makeup and I'm running out of dresses. But my husband insists that this is the normal pace of seduction. Obviously she's not ready yet, he says she has some sort of hesitation. You need to work out what it is and help her through it. On my way to the third meeting, I decide to loosen up and be less calculating. I tease her about all the planning and tell her I'm making storyboards and cue cards. I confess that this is a big deal for me. She says the same. We coquettishly call each other N and P. This playful mood seems to be what was missing for her. After about an hour, she takes out her calendar and we schedule the threesome for a week. Later, over lunchtime, when I get home, my husband is waking up. I decided to just be myself, I tell him. Oh no, he says. A week later, I'm getting ready to meet her. I have a threesome in 2 hours. I keep boasting to myself. I'm not going to die an idiot. I meet N at a cafe for a quick coffee. Then we head to my husband's office around the corner. On the way, I insist that we stop at a little food stand, where I buy cheese, sausage, honey, and bread in case we work up an appetite later. Clearly, I'm shopping to calm my nerves. But when we get to my husband's office, it's N who's nervous. You're in charge. Okay, she says. Me. We're both relieved when my husband arrives. They introduce themselves. He's immediately very physical with her, which breaks the ice. We have a sort of group hug, and then we agree that he can take off both of our dresses. My first surprise is that women are allowed to wear jewelry in bed and even keeps her large hoop earrings on. My second is that a threesome is so, well, sexual. I'd focus so much on the logistics and the catering, I almost forgot we'd be naked. My third surprise is that threesomes are confusing. You quickly lose track of who's, at which stage. There's a lot of ambiguous moaning. My husband tells me afterward that he got a little lost too. It's a polite threesome. I get the sense that we're all trying to divide our attention. Equitably. So there's no clear twosome or onesome. Occasionally, Ann and I ask each other, how are you doing? Like old friends. After maybe 40 minutes, I lose interest. I wonder whether I might check my email. I try to stay attentive it's a birthday present, after all. But when I glance at the clock, I'm surprised to see that only an hour has passed. I had no idea that sex could last so long. Finally, they tire themselves out. There's a sweet moment at the end when the three of us lie together under the covers with the birthday boy in the middle. He's beaming. I'll later get a series of heartfelt thank yous from him, saying it was as good as he had hoped. Anne seems very pleased too. On the walk home, she says she's surprised by how erotic she found the whole experience, especially being with me. She hints that she'd like a repeat performance. I'm flattered, but I'm not planning on it. My own birthday is coming up, and I think I'd like a watch.

Andrea Askowitz 00:16:56
Oh, my God. I know. I can't get enough of this story. I freaking love it. It is so funny. She wrote a whole book called There Are No Grown Ups, and this was one of the chapters in it. So if you love this narrator's voice and humor and style, I love There Are No Grownups. The whole Thing is so funny. But this one is so oh, God, it kills me. This one just freaking kills me. For one, she's, like, hilarious. Okay, that's true. But there's something else about her being So funny, because it's not just like, straight up. It's more like she knows herself so well. She knows that she's, like, socially odd.

Allison Langer 00:17:41
Wait, I got a bust in here where I felt very secure in the story. I never felt like this couple was going to break up, so no matter what research she did, I just felt like they were very strong. And I loved that she wasn't, like, pathetic or upset.

Andrea Askowitz 00:17:56
Didn't worry about it.

Allison Langer 00:17:57
No, she's just, like, in it for the fun so we could have fun. So she set the tone with that right away. So I was just in for the ride.

Andrea Askowitz 00:18:06
I didn't even consider that it would be dangerous for her. But you're right, it could have been, but it wasn't. She starts off the very first line is so great. What do you get for a man who has nothing? Switch. I know. Right away, I'm like charmed. Yeah, but wait, what I wanted to get to was that line to one of my favorite lines ever, where toward the end where she tells her husband that she just decided to be herself, and he's like, oh, no.

Allison Langer 00:18:35
Yeah, and like you said, I think when we were listening to it, you were like, oh, my God. She doesn't even comment. And that's beautiful because she lets the reader she doesn't insult the reader.

Andrea Askowitz 00:18:48
No, exactly. Because we already know that she's a bit clumsy because she told us that she would have I can't remember how she said it, but usually when she's having lunch with someone, they could be bleeding to death and she wouldn't notice. That just kills me. She's just so knowing. Oh, I have a question, though. She says straight women don't often compare same sex fantasies. They don't? No.

Allison Langer 00:19:18
Never.

Andrea Askowitz 00:19:19
Bummer.

Allison Langer 00:19:20
Yeah, it's kind of a bummer.

Andrea Askowitz 00:19:22
What about when she says that's when I realized I didn't even realize there was an obvious front runner. So when she's pitching the editor oh.

Allison Langer 00:19:31
God, yeah, that was hilarious. Right away. You're like, hello.

Andrea Askowitz 00:19:37
So she's, like, giving us evidence about what kind of character she is, and I'm not even sure what kind of character is she? Like, I don't even know how to describe her as a character other than being a tiny bit clueless. But then she's so not clueless. That's the genius of this.

Allison Langer 00:19:56
Narrator my favorite part was her shopping around for candidates and her husband when he tells her how to land a woman.

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:06
Okay.

Allison Langer 00:20:07
With women, you have to listen to all the stuff they say, he explained. They have all these complex emotional issues, and you have to try to figure out what they are. Just keep asking questions. Be pleasant and reassuring, but also slightly mysterious. I love that he gave us, like, insight into a man's charm, but that he's telling his wife this. Not another friend, a male friend. I mean, I just thought that was hilarious. Like, you really get a sense of their relationship, which I just thought was so cool. And it really does open your mind to like, well, here there's this stigma around threesomes, but if these people can pull it off, then yeah. She doesn't want to die.

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:45
What was it?

Allison Langer 00:20:46
Die. Boring. What did she call her?

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:48
No.

Allison Langer 00:20:48
Dying an idiot. She's not going to die an idiot.

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:50
Yeah.

Allison Langer 00:20:52
Maybe I don't want to die an idiot either.

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:54
You haven't had a threesome?

Allison Langer 00:20:56
No.

Andrea Askowitz 00:20:57
What? What? Get off. You're going to die an idiot. I know. You know? You have plenty of time.

Allison Langer 00:21:04
Well, Gerald and I used to talk about it. My old boyfriend, you know, Gerald, so he used to tell me that before he died, he wanted a threesome. And so we used to shop around at the gym. It was like a joke that we had. And we did have a crush on this one woman who I ran into recently, and I was like, oh, God. Even though she doesn't know he's gone.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:22
You should tell her.

Allison Langer 00:21:23
No.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:24
Yeah, because maybe she's dating someone. Oh.

Allison Langer 00:21:27
And I could be part of their threesome.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:28
Yeah.

Allison Langer 00:21:30
I don't know. Why are we talking about this? Okay, next.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:32
Okay.

Allison Langer 00:21:33
This is not about us.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:35
I know. Yeah. We never slip in and start talking about our own lives.

Allison Langer 00:21:40
All right, Pamela, we're very sorry. We're getting sidetracked, and we're not talking about you, but we're getting right back to you.

Andrea Askowitz 00:21:48
We're not talking about her story and why it's so great, but there are so many reasons that this story is so great. So we already talked about the voice and the humor, but how it's slightly different, but what about the way she what was it you noticed in the middle of this?

Allison Langer 00:22:01
I noticed that in the middle of this, she takes a moment to stop her train of thought or the description of what she's doing, and she gives us I don't know if it's called a higher register, but maybe it's her higher register at this moment of something she notices for herself. And she says, My posture toward the world has changed. Instead of sitting pretty and hoping that others notice me, I've become someone who decides what she wants and goes after it. So I thought that was really cool. Then she continues on with the story right. Of finding a candidate.

Andrea Askowitz 00:22:35
Do you want to explain what a higher register is?

Pam Druckerman 00:22:37
No, go ahead.

Allison Langer 00:22:38
You do it better than I do.

Andrea Askowitz 00:22:39
So a higher register is when the narrator has earned the trust of the reader or the listener, and it usually happens at the end where the narrator can address us directly, sort of like what Pam Druckerman just did right there. My posture toward the world has changed. So she's telling us what she's learned and how she's changed, and we trust her because she's already taken us through everything that she's gone through. I like that she did it there, just right in the middle.

Allison Langer 00:23:06
Yeah, me, too. Usually the higher register is set to the whole world or to the listener, to like, okay, this is in more of a general sense, but in here, it's more of a specific to her her own growth she shares with us. Right.

Andrea Askowitz 00:23:23
Do you mean instead of saying, like, the world has changed?

Allison Langer 00:23:27
Because instead of saying people who are looking for a threesome and so she's the expert, right, for all threesomes, but she's really not doing that. She's really staying focused on herself, and she's saying, my posture toward the world has changed, so let me just set this up. So the paragraph four says, nevertheless, my new man's view of the world is thrilling. I notice women everywhere browsing in bookstores, in line, at the supermarket. I even scanned my book group, middle aged expatriate who like to read about the Holocaust for candidates. I know, she's talking hilarious, this woman. Oh, my God. My posture. And then she goes into how she has changed instead of waiting. So typically, an arc of a narrator is to towards the end, we see the change in the narrator, but here she's showing us right in the middle. The story is not over, but she.

Andrea Askowitz 00:24:19
Has changed, and she's noticing that she's changed. Super cool. Yeah, I love that. I love it.

Allison Langer 00:24:24
I'm going to try that in my next story. Like to just stop and just give the progress report. I have to feel like that's what this is.

Andrea Askowitz 00:24:31
Well, if there is a progress report.

Allison Langer 00:24:33
Yeah, but I do often think there is a progress report, and then you're kind of on a new path or like a different trajectory, and then you start moving in that until you get to the very end where your light changes forever. But in the middle, there's always a recognition like, oh, I thought this is different than I thought.

Andrea Askowitz 00:24:49
Yeah. And in this case, she's giving us the man's eye view. Very cool.

Allison Langer 00:24:55
Amazing. I loved it. I just loved her whole process. And then, oh, I wanted to also talk about so you guys can't see this, but when she's writing, she puts it in parentheses. So she says, as I'm getting ready to go meet her, parentheses, silk sweater, dress, foundation, mascara, and parentheses, I'm suddenly struck by the strangeness of what I'm about to do, try to convince a stranger to sleep with me and my husband. So sometimes the examples, if you're like, oh, you could go off on a tangent, and the reader, I think, or the listener gets a little bit distracted because now we're caught up in her appearance and whatnot. But for some reason, the parentheses just kind of tell us just enough so that we can move on. And I love that.

Andrea Askowitz 00:25:37
And there's another one, although when I read the email to my husband that night, he says, I'll swap you. It's like that one is sort of like and this is in addition, this is in my head, I just want to tell you this.

Allison Langer 00:25:49
She does that again, where she says at our second meeting, her insecurity surface. I guess this is what the woman said. Do I think this counts as cheating on her boyfriend? What kind of woman does my husband like?

Andrea Askowitz 00:26:04
Well done.

Allison Langer 00:26:06
So, yeah, it shows us a thought bubble in her head. It's so good the way she writes. Yeah, I can't wait to read her whole book.

Andrea Askowitz 00:26:14
Do read it and we will have her book. There are no grown ups in our show notes. For more, Pamela Druckerman and to buy her collection of essays called There Are No Grownups, go to Pamela Druckerman.com. Thank you for listening. And thank you, Pamela Druckerman, for sharing your story. Writing class. Radio is hosted by me, Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer 00:26:46
And me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz 00:26:48
Audio production by Matt Kundal, Evan Sarminski and Aidan Glassy at the Sound Off Media Company. The music is by Emmya. There's more writing class on our website, writingclassradio.com, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats and live online classes. Join our writing community by following us on Patreon. For $35 a month, you can join our first draft weekly writers group. You have the option to join Allison on Tuesdays, twelve to one Eastern, and Zarina Fry Wednesday, seven to 08:00 p.m.. Eastern. You'll write to a prompt and share what you wrote. Join the community that comes together for instruction and excuse to write and most importantly, the support from other writers. To learn more, go to patreon.com writingclassradio. You can always try the first one free. A new episode will drop every other Wednesday.

Allison Langer 00:27:51
There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other and by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours?