155: Every Word Matters

Andrea Askowitz  0:18  
I'm Andrea Askowitz. 

Allison Langer  0:19  
I'm Alison Langer. And this is writing class radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. And by art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our... poooooooop!

There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in. 

Andrea Askowitz  0:48  
Today on our show, we bring you a story by Laurie Eynon. This story is a behind the scenes situation, revealed. Laurie takes us through her one chance at becoming a Jeopardy champion. We don't want to say too much about what happens. But what I will say is that this story is a really charming and fun, heavily voicey voicey story. And yeah, and I think it's really about how every word matters. 

Allison Langer  1:22  
Back with Laurie's story after the break.

We're back. This is Alison Langer, and you're listening to writing class radio. Here's Laurie Eynon, reading her story, What can't you say on Jeopardy?

Laurie Eynon  1:42  
I'm not brainy in the Stephen Hawking kind of way. But I do have an exceptional ability to quickly access information stored in the recesses of my brain. The Six Wives of Henry the Eighth, Malta capital cities, Martin Scorsese movies, call it a gift. It got me excellent grades in school, even in subjects like chemistry, where I had no idea what the professor was talking about. But I could memorize atomic numbers and carbon chains to regurgitate on a test. Ever since I was in grade school, I prided myself on being the smartest kid in the room. Maybe I could be a little show off-y about it. But I basked in recognition of my brain power. You could call me pretty or kind or funny, but nothing was as satisfying as calling me smart. However, my eidetic memory had brought me neither fortune nor fame, as I thought it might.

Although that was about to change, when I qualified to attend an in person audition for the TV game show Jeopardy. Friends and family had long told me I should be on the show. And though I would mutter a mock humble, "Ooh, gee, I dunno." I knew in my heart, I could be the next Ken Jennings. My invitation to try out for the show was the result of passing an online test. All this happened pre pandemic. Nowadays, the process is done online. But at the time, the next level trials were held in various metropolitan areas around the country. I went to Washington DC, at a fancy DC hotel in the audition room, about 50 other people were also waiting for their chance to say "Mammals for 200, please." We mingled about introducing ourselves and making small talk. I was mildly intimidated by my competitors: lawyers, lobbyists, scientists. I'm a hospital chaplain, a fact which at least caused room to take notice of me as this is not a profession often, if ever represented on the show. I gave myself a pep talk. Okay, so he's a microbiologist. But how much does he know about opera? The Jeopardy team walked in and cheerfully congratulated us on making it this far. We began by taking a long and comprehensive written test, covering everything from the location of the CN Tower - Toronto - to the name of Beyonce's first child, Blue Ivy. I almost knew every answer. We took a break while our tests were graded. In the restroom. I chatted with one of the coordinators as we washed our hands at the sink. You did very well. She said. I was stoked. Back in the test room. We were called up three at a time to play a mock version of the game, complete with buzzers and the iconic blue screen. I was in the very first group called I decided it was a sign. Maybe it meant that I had the highest score on the written test.

I walked to the front of the room buzzer, in hand, with two other contestant wannabes. The screen lit up with the categories and dollar amounts. First up was famous names for $100. This pioneer nurse founded a hospital at Andersonville prison camp during the Civil War. Eager to show my stuff, I buzzed in immediately and responded confidently, who is Florence Nightingale? That's incorrect, said the host. I was wrong. Then the microbiologist hit his button, who was Clara Barton? I uttered a frustrated and spontaneous "Poop!" Poop. The word hung in the air. Play stopped. Everyone looked at me. One of the coordinators said, without a hint of compassion or irony, "One does not say poop on Jeopardy." Most Jeopardy contestants are fairly expressionless, neither rejoicing nor disparaging over their answers. This wasn't Wheel of Fortune after all, where contestants frequently scream with delight and do endzone dances behind the podium. I apologized and fumbled for my composure. Note to self: rein in your natural animation. The next answer was read and I tensed. I felt nervous. My brain was not in the moment. My confident "I got this" persona evaporated. Even when I managed to give a few correct answers, my buzzer was hesitant. My voice weak and strangled. I was so fearful of making another error and uttering another, maybe worse, expletive. I overcompensated in an attempt to make up for my poop faux pas. Well, I wasn't called to be on the show. It took me exactly one question to take myself out of the running. My dream of becoming the next Ken Jennings was dashed. I felt deflated. I did not get to show off in front of a national TV audience. The smartest kid in the room had to tell all the people she had alerted about her Jeopardy tryout that, no, she did not qualify. I still watched Jeopardy. Like the true fan I am. I still curse at the contestants, when no one of them knows the Badger is the state animal of Wisconsin, or that Thomas Hardy wrote Tess of the d'Urbervilles. Sometimes after I make a particularly stunning run of correct answers, while watching the show, my husband will turn to me and bemoan the fact that I wouldn't be famous if I'd only kept my mouth shut. Yeah, maybe. I'm waiting for a category called four letter words. Up on the blue screen would appear "Palindrome meaning excrement." I'd know what to say.

Andrea Askowitz  8:12  
Okay, so definitely my favorite thing about this story is her voice. Just even, even her like, like the sound of her voice, the tone of her voice, her funniness? Everything about her voice is so- was so charming. 

Allison Langer  8:27  
I wrote the exact same thing. Voice, voice, voice. Oh, gee, I don't know. I was stoked. Rein in your natural animation. I just thought that was so good. She's such a likable narrator. Like who likes smart people, you know, like these people going into jeopardy are usually so pompous. But she's so not. 

Andrea Askowitz  8:46  
True. Also, I- also what I really loved about her in terms of like, likable their reader is she told us that she's always the smartest in the room. I loved hearing that. How often do women say that? Never. 

Allison Langer  9:03  
Well I've never said it. 

Andrea Askowitz  9:05  
*Laughter*

Allison Langer  9:05  
For good reason.

Andrea Askowitz  9:07  
Shush. Don't say that anymore. No, you're the smartest in the room. But you're also the only one in your room. 

Allison Langer  9:15  
Exactly. Well, now I'm in the room with you. And Matt, our producer. 

Andrea Askowitz  9:19  
But we're all in our own rooms, though. Since we're on. Yeah, we're all the smartest. So I love that. She said that. I just- that is... Ugh. I am cheering for her from the start with that. That was good. What I think is so interesting is like, every word matters. Like that's one of our writing tips. Every word matters. Like every word in a story really has to belong in that story, or take it out. And what I love is that in this case, it's like a life lesson and a writing lesson. Because the words poop mattered. That was the one word that mattered. I love that. I love that about this story. 

Allison Langer  9:57  
Yeah, it was so good. 

Andrea Askowitz  9:59  
It was charming. And let me see what else- oh, what does eidetic mean? Oops, I needed to look that up. 

Allison Langer  10:08  
You're asking somebody not on Jeopardy. I'm sure Ken Jennings does. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:12  
I needed to look that up before we started. 

Allison Langer  10:14  
Yeah. Maybe photographic? Maybe she remembers everything, like a memory that just retains. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:20  
Yeah.

Allison Langer  10:20  
That would be what I think. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:21  
Yeah, my eidetic memory had not brought me fame. Anyway, that's funny. What else I loved is like Mammals for 200, please. Like she used the language of Jeopardy throughout. I don't know if everyone knows the language of Jeopardy. I don't know if you have to know it to feel like excited by it. But I do know it. So it excited me. The blue screen. That's like she really explained Jeopardy in a way that brought me in. The end also! I thought the end was so, like... 

Allison Langer  10:53  
For sure.

Andrea Askowitz  10:56  
Again, she's using the language of Jeopardy. And then she says- let me go to it. She says, I'm waiting for a four letter- a category called four letter words. Did you know it was coming? 

Allison Langer  11:09  
Did I know it was coming? Only because I've read this a couple times. I did. But like, when I first read it, because I was like, What is the story about, what is the story about? Like, is it more than a situation? And... I mean, I'm not sure. Because, do we know how losing affected her life? Does she know how she's changed? Do we know, like, any of that? It's very subtle. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:31  
Yeah, that's true. She actually makes a joke out of it in the end, and I really did like the joke. So you know, up on the blue screen would appear "Palindrome meaning excrement." So then her word, but yeah, I get- I get what you're saying. 

Allison Langer  11:47  
So maybe it's telling us that like, next time, so I've learned that when you're on a show, you don't- you have to... you have to follow their rules, or you're out. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:57  
But I do want to talk about this for a second. Like, what are the stakes? I mean, the stakes in this case are, she lost... or she didn't lose, like, but she didn't get to participate. 

Allison Langer  12:07  
To me the stakes were, everybody has always said you should go on Jeopardy, you should go on Jeopardy. So they've- they've made assumptions about her that she's extremely smart and can win. So yes, she's extremely smart. She got all the way to the show. But she didn't get on. So does she feel like somewhere she failed? It's great that she has a word that she can say, well, I fucked up here. Right? So maybe in the end, it's like, she never got to really see if she could, you know, be the next Ken Jennings. But she kind of has an excuse, and can now make a joke of how she may really be feeling, which we don't know. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:45  
Yeah, maybe. 

Allison Langer  12:46  
Or not. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:47  
Or maybe this is just a later story. It's not a life or death story. She's not going to live or die based on whether or not she wins. I don't think that she really cares about getting rich and famous. And how rich and famous would she have gotten? Right? If she were on the show? 

Allison Langer  13:07  
A couple million dollars can change your life. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:09  
Is that how much you would win? 

Allison Langer  13:11  
You can win that, yeah. There's some of these people have won. I mean, you gotta be like, Holtzhauer, or whatever his name is. I mean, he's on now on this Master's Champion. It's crazy. But I mean, these guys, I don't even know how they're so smart. It's crazy how they know. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:25  
But the truth is, she didn't set it up that she was destitute and needed this money. 

Allison Langer  13:29  
No. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:30  
So she was just saying- I understood like, rich and famous as, as kind of like a, yay, I could become rich and famous if I went on Jeopardy. But if I don't win on Jeopardy, I'm not going to be so-

Allison Langer  13:40  
So it'll be fine. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:41  
Y'know, poor and no one's going to know me ever. Yeah. So. 

Allison Langer  13:45  
So she doesn't have her whole self worth and value wrapped up into this. It was just something fun. And now she moves on with her life. And she, you know, tried it and that's the end of it. So it could be that. It could be more, we don't know. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:57  
But what I like about this story is that it's like, it's so charming. And it's so fun to listen to. And we learn about Jeopardy. And we hear this like, this faux pas moment. You know, like, dang it. And I totally relate to doing shit like that. I mean, poop like that, and I don't know. I get it. Oh, yeah, we should say that at the beginning. It's where you we work out our poop. Poooooop! Doesn't sound as- But anyway, so I love that about this story. Like every story doesn't have to be about like, drugs and death and... 

Allison Langer  14:36  
It's true. It's a nice light one. All right. Thank you for listening. And thank you, Laurie Eynon for sharing your story with us.

Laurie Eynon  14:54  
I were to Hi. I want to be famous. I know lemme guard down

Allison Langer  15:08  
Writing class radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer. 

Andrea Askowitz  15:11  
And me! Andrea Askowitz. 

Allison Langer  15:13  
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Andrea Askowitz  16:20  
There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours? 

Laurie Eynon  16:31  
Too bad we're gonna get shot and like I was getting burned. I don't want to leave to get over

Voiceover  16:43  
Produced and distributed by the Soundoff Media Company.