158: My Dead Mother Brings My Sister and Me Together Once a Year

Andrea Askowitz  0:00  
I' m Andrea Askowitz. 

Allison Langer  0:20  
I'm Alison Langer. 

Andrea Askowitz  0:21  
And this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing, no matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in. 

Allison Langer  0:49  
Okay, so today on our show, we're bringing you a story by Maxine Poupko, otherwise known as Poup. I'm gonna give you a little bio of Maxine, but before I do, I just wanted to give you a little hint about what the story is about. And I feel like this story is a brilliant example of taking the listener, or the reader, into a world. A world that many people do not know. So primarily, that's what I feel like it's about, but it's also about relationships, and character development. And without a rant, you know, like really, really showing, instead of just telling. So all those things are what you are going to hear in Maxine's story. Maxine Poupko is a writer, a registered nurse and a health advocate. She teaches writing workshops at the International Women's Writing Guild's summer conferences, and her stories have been published in The Sun, and the book Waste is a Terrible Thing to Mind by Jan Phillips. Maxine is a student of Writing Class Radio, which she says is her favorite thing to do. Thank you, Maxine. We love you. 

Andrea Askowitz  1:57  
My favorite thing to do too. 

Allison Langer  1:59  
Mine too. Back with Maxine's story after the break.

Andrea Askowitz  2:03  
We're back. This is Andrea Askowitz and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Up next is Maxine Poupko, reading her story, Once a Year Our Dead Mom Unites My Sister and Me.

Maxine Poupko  2:29  
My sister and I meet yearly at our mother's grave. Our mom has been gone for 33 years. She's buried at Lakeside Memorial, a large Jewish cemetery in Miami. We were raised in traditional Orthodox Judaism, adhering to the many laws and observances. A Sabbath and Jewish holidays were days of rest, going to synagogue and no use of electricity. My mother kept a kosher kitchen, complete with two sets of dishes. When I became an adult, I gradually stopped adhering to the rules. The process of letting go of living a Jewish lifestyle was difficult emotionally. As a child going to a religious school, I believed in the Jewish God who set up 613 commandments for the Jewish people. And I was taught I would be punished for not following them. The problem, though, was that I couldn't follow the rules. I was hungry on Jewish holidays when I was supposed to fast for 24 hours. So I snuck food when no one was looking. I left the synagogue to play with friends instead of staying inside and praying. I rebelled against anyone who told me what to do or what not to do. Eventually, I had to follow my own path. I didn't go to synagogue on Sabbath and holidays. I didn't follow all the strict food rules. And I dressed the way I wanted to, which was usually jeans and t-shirt, instead of the long skirts and wigs the women in my community wore. I desecrated the rules of modesty. I was an outsider to my tribe, and became part of a more artistic, free spirited and creative community of friends. My sister and I fought a lot as kids. We shared a bedroom. Occasionally we talked and laughed. But mostly we argued. She got me into trouble for leaving tissues on the floor and listening to the radio way past my bedtime. She tattled to our mother, and I got hit for misbehaving. I hated my sister for that. We're both grandmothers now. My sister still maintains the Orthodox Jewish lifestyle like our mom did. Other than family deaths and weddings, the only time I see her is when we meet at the cemetery to visit mom. I always have trouble finding my mom's grave. I drive into the cemetery, go straight for two blocks, right on Galilee. Is it left at Sinai? Mommy, where are you? I call my sister for directions. She always knows where the grave is. She gets there first. She was more like my mother. Both of them rule followers. I'm sure my mom liked her best. They had more in common, enjoyed being in each other's company. My mother and I constantly argued. My sister was all dressed up and waiting for me at my mother's grave. She wore her religious, married-woman-mandated wig called a sheitel. It was stylishly coiffed, and had blonde highlights. She wore our mother's diamond earrings, watch, and wedding band. A long black skirt and a silky beige top covered her arms. Modesty, covering of the body, is an important Jewish law. She looked pretty. I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt with a logo of a woman running with a wolf, and my favorite jeans with holes at the knees. My hair was in a messy ponytail under an old straw hat. I didn't wear any of the jewelry my mother left for me. It wasn't my style. My sneakers were covered in paint from art class. My sister brought a few little rocks, which she placed on top of mom's tombstone, which is a Jewish tradition. Then she opened her black prayer book and began mumbling the prayers for the dead. (Maxine sings the prayer in Hebrew.) I searched the ground for a few rocks. I would have liked to bring a more personal object, like the small crystal heart sitting on my bookshelf. But I forgot. I opened my backpack, looking for something special. I found a little square candy wrapped in gold foil. Mom loved candy, but she rarely allowed herself to eat it. I snuck the treat onto the top of the gravestone and covered it with leaves. I took off my sneakers so I could feel the earth. My sister glanced at me, stopped her prayers, and said, "You can't take your shoes off in a cemetery. You're walking on Mommy!" I ignored her. The ground felt cool under my feet. It made me feel closer to my mother. My sister went back to her prayers, and I felt good about my contribution to my mom's tombstone. Before exiting the cemetery, we symbolically washed our hands. There is an old-fashioned water pump for this ritual. Years ago, we named it the Helen Keller pump. As kids, my sister and I loved the movie, The Miracle Worker. We stood at the pump like always. I washed my hands first, and imitated Helen Keller slowly saying the word "water." My sister washed her hands next, saying "water" the same way. We suddenly laughed, and our laughter just became hysterical. I know making fun of someone with disabilities is mean. I know better. So I'm always ashamed. It's also sacrilegious, so seeing my sister break a rule makes it devious and fun. In those moments at the pump, I always feel a deep connection to my sister. All our differences seem to dissolve in the cleansing water. And suddenly we are two young little girls. Sisters laughing together.

Allison Langer  9:57  
I love this story. I really really love this story, and I really feel her- her pain, her humor, her, like, torment, the whole thing. I don't know if it's her voice or if it's the way she told the story or wrote the story, but I really get it. She took us into this world. And I felt a part of this Orthodox Jewish world, and the tradition, and the way it just drowned her. And just maybe the shame or the- how she felt with like her sister and her mom, like, I just felt the whole tension of the whole piece.

I thought she did an excellent job with character, like, I see the narrator's character versus the sister's character. So right from the very beginning, like we really- she- she, like takes us through. I just- I- right now, it was like, Oh, wow, really well done, the way she laid out like that there's 613 commandments. The problem though, I couldn't follow the rules. So she just like states it, and then she tells us which rules she couldn't follow. Like she was hungry when she was supposed to fast. She wanted to wear jeans and a t-shirt instead of the wig that she describes her sister in later. So we get totally distinct personalities right from the beginning. Love that. When she's at the grave- Oh, what about the chanting? That was beautiful. 

So good! 

Andrea Askowitz  11:25  
Yeah. Know what that did for me? It made me like, trust this narrator. Like, she's not just saying, I grew up in this world. She's like, embodied it. Like she sang in Hebrew. Hardcore. I was cool. 

Hardcore. 

Allison Langer  11:41  
Yeah. 

Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  11:42  
I love that. I had not heard the chanting yet. So that was exciting. And then- okay. She- she puts candy, covers it with a leaf. And then the sister's like, you're walking on Mommy!

Allison Langer  11:57  
I love the candy and the shoes. So good.

Andrea Askowitz  11:59  
I know. So good. Okay, then what did you think about the handling of the Helen Keller moment?

Allison Langer  12:08  
So I thought she admits like, yeah, we're assholes. But just seeing her, you know, and seeing her sister do the same thing, gave them a bond. Right? And I think that's true in many situations, when you know, siblings or friends or whatever, break a rule. There's like a bond. And I got it that way, it brought up a lot of that for me. So did I judge her? No, because that's just what we do. I mean, it felt very Seinfeld-esque.

Andrea Askowitz  12:37  
You know what, it's- what's interesting is I think you're so right about, like, two people who are really close. Even though they are at odds with each other, they're really close. They're sisters, they- now they're grandmothers, like they- every single year they meet here, like they have history. And so within the context of that world, they're allowed to make fun, like there's an understanding between them that they're not really saying or doing anything mean, in regards to someone like Helen Keller, and- but then on the other hand, there was this little part in the narrator's mind where she was like, Oh, my God, my sister, who is so proper, follows all the rules, including like ones that you're not supposed to make fun of people- part of Judaism- and now she's doing that? She's making fun of someone who's blind and deaf? That's wrong. And it made it so right. For them in that moment.

Allison Langer  13:33  
Yeah. Well, we know Maxine, cuz she's been taking our classes for years and years, and Maxine has a great sense of humor. She's goofy, she's fun. And yes, she shows up in the same jeans and t-shirt every single time, like she- that's just who she is. And for this little moment, her sister came to the dark side with her. And there's a bond-

Andrea Askowitz  13:55  
Wait are you saying that because her outfits show that she's on the dark side? 

Allison Langer  13:58  
Yeah, yeah. That she's not, like, orthodox anymore, so she's gone to the dark side. Yeah. So for a second, she got a tiny inkling of, like approval, you know, or just bond from the sister, and I just- I love that so much.

Andrea Askowitz  14:13  
'Cause her sister came to the dark side. Exactly. That's funny. Do you think our radio listeners are gonna get mad because now we took this like, very private moment, and now it's public. I'm just wondering, will they? If anyone gets pissy at us, let us know. We're open.

Allison Langer  14:31  
Yeah, sure. Piss on us. Go ahead.

Andrea Askowitz  14:34  
Yeah, piss on us. Amazing how this specific moment told this whole story about- about two sisters. One already on the dark side. The other one coming over. 

Allison Langer  14:51  
Love it. 

Andrea Askowitz  14:52  
I love how you see it that way. That's cool.

Thank you Poup for sharing your story. And thank you for listening. Writing class radio is hosted by me, Andrea Askowitz. 

Allison Langer  15:27  
And me! Alison Langer. 

Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evan Surminski, Chloe Emond-Lane, and AidAn Glassey at the Sound Off Media Company. Theme music is by Marnino Toussaint. There's more Writing Class Radio on our website, writingclassradio.com, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats, and live online classes. Join our writing community by following us on Patreon. If you want to write with us every week, you can join our first draft weekly writers groups. You have the option of joining Allison Langer on Tuesdays 12 to 1 eastern, and/or Eduardo Winck, Thursdays 8 to 9pm eastern. You'll write to a prompt and share what you wrote. If you're a business owner, or an entrepreneur, or a community activist, or a group that needs healing, we can help you, your team, write better. Check out all of our classes on our website, writingclassradio.com.

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Tara Sands (Voiceover)  17:09  
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