178: Is it Rape if You Were Blackout Drunk?

Allison Langer  0:15  
I'm Alison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  0:17  
I'm Andrea Askowitz, and this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in.

Allison Langer  0:51  
Today on our show, we bring you a story by Morgan Sutton called, "Is It Rape If You Were Blackout Drunk?" Her story was written in preparation for our December 2023 writers retreat in Key Largo. There it was workshopped over and over, and today we'll share Mo's final and amazing story.

Andrea Askowitz  1:11  
Mo's story is so important. She explains a really dangerous and ugly assumption that is so often made about women who've been raped. And she does it by explaining her own situation and her own assumptions, even about herself. There's no preaching. There's nothing dogmatic. It's just an exploration of herself, her experience, and her feelings. And that is what writing and storytelling is all about.

Allison Langer  1:43  
Back with Mo's story after the break. We're back. This is Alison Langer and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Up next is Morgan Sutton reading her story, "Is It Rape If You Were Blackout Drunk?"

Morgan Sutton  2:01  
Shortly after my 30th birthday, I woke up in a bed that wasn't mine, next to a man that wasn't my husband. I was mortified. Especially since I couldn't remember anything past dinner from the night before. I had recently quit my oncology nursing job at a world-renowned Cancer Center, because I couldn't face my patients or workload after my biological mother died from stage four lung cancer. I needed to find a way to make money, though, so I figured dusting off my college bartending skills would be a fun way to mix it up. I got a job at a local restaurant, and just like I remembered, the work came easily to me. What came harder was the lifestyle. When I was 21, it was no big deal to work until 2am in a smoky bar on my feet for a double, and then wake up and go to organic chemistry at 8am. But at 30, my hips ached and my back hurt by the end of a dinner shift. So when my manager John came to the bar and said it was time for a shift drink, I figured, what could it hurt? John was around my age, and we got along well. I found myself looking forward to the shifts where we'd cross paths, because we could shoot the shit in a totally platonic way. Or so I thought. Brian, my husband, was traveling for work one weekend, so I picked up extra shifts. The first Sunday he was gone, I worked the brunch shift making endless Bellini's and bottomless mimosas. 2pm rolled around, and I was exhausted. Everyone from work decided to meet up for dinner at 5:00 downtown and invited me out. Having had only a few stolen fries throughout the morning, I said yes. I ran home, showered, and got ready to meet everyone at the restaurant. I showed up early, and John was already at the bar. So I grabbed a seat next to him. A shot of tequila slid my way. I have a no shot rule. I'm 5'3" and 120lbs. The past had proven shots are a quick way to blackout. But I also didn't want to seem like the old lady of the group. So I took the shot. And like they often do, one shot lead to two, which led to a margarita and me not remembering what, or even if, I ordered dinner. I woke the next morning with a crushing headache and my mouth so dry I could barely speak. I was in a bed that wasn't mine, wearing a white t-shirt that was not my husband's. I wasn't wearing underwear and I was sore between my legs. I turned to see John asleep and shirtless next to me. I was horrified. I nudged him awake. "Why am I here?" "Last night was pretty crazy, right?" "I don't remember any of it. Why am I here and not home?" "Well, you were so drunk you couldn't tell me how to get to your house. So I just brought you here." I got out of bed and looked for my dress, trying to pull the shirt I was wearing down to cover me as much as possible. "That doesn't answer how I wound up in your bed." My dress, purse, and all my credit cards were scattered across his living room, clearly dropped and discarded by my drunken self the night before. He knew I was married. How could this have happened? "Well, I didn't get you all the way here for nothing to happen." I felt swallowed up by shame. How could I have done this to Brian? How could I have been so reckless to put myself in this position? Had I led John on somehow, and just couldn't remember? I told Brian the only thing I could honestly tell him. I drank too much. I woke up in John's bed the next morning. I didn't know how I got there. I was so, so sorry. I felt like it was all my fault. I quit the restaurant and stopped drinking. That seemed like the only thing I could control, and the only way for me to save my marriage. I told Brian I would understand if he chose to leave me. I would deserve it, after all. But thank God every day he chose to stay. Months later, Brian and I walked into our favorite Mexican restaurant and I saw John sitting at the bar. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. All I could hear were his words. "Well, I didn't get you all the way here for nothing to happen." Brian grabbed my hand and we left. I wasn't ready to name it out loud. But when I got home, I pulled up Google and typed, "Is it rape if you were blackout drunk?" I felt like I couldn't take a full breath. My heart pounded in my ears and my hands shook. My body knew the answer. My mind still needed help. I hit Enter on my browser. In black and white, the first words that populated were, "Help is available," followed by the phone number for the National Sexual Assault hotline. Tears rolled down my face as I started to realize the full extent of what had happened. It would take years and a lot of therapy for me to come to know what I know now. I did not deserve what happened to me. My drinking that night was not permission granted to my body. And most importantly, the rape was not my fault.

Allison Langer  7:48  
God, this makes me mad every time I hear it.

Andrea Askowitz  7:51  
I think it is one of the best written stories. I don't know. I just- I think it's- it's gorgeous. It's- it tells us everything we need to know. It perfectly lays down what was going on. You know, she's looking inward really hard. The narrator takes responsibility and then ultimately realizes, no, no fucking way. It's not her responsibility. I'm just stunned by it every time I hear it. I think it's gorgeous. 

Allison Langer  8:27  
Yep. And it's- you know, the whole time I'm listening to it, I'm thinking wow, women are so- we are so conditioned to think everything is our fault. And I just hate that for her. Like, when he says to her that very first time, "I didn't get you all the way here for nothing to happen." And she is like, she's not pissed. She's like, "Fuck, how did I do this to myself?" You know? And it just- that right there shows you. And I don't even think she realizes it when she's writing it, because now all these years later, I'm sure it's bringing up like a different emotion than maybe she felt at that moment. But I don't know. Because in the writing, what I'm feeling from her is that she's like, how could I have done this to myself?

Andrea Askowitz  9:13  
I think that's what she was doing deliberately. Like we were in her mindset. We were in her mindset then. And I thought that quote, but the one before that, "Last night was pretty crazy, right? I didn't get you here for nothing to happen." She- she gives us those two quotes from this guy that land for me. Like what a dick. What an entitled man. What- it's like, I'm so angry when I hear those. That is perfect use of dialogue. We get his voice, we get- and I think this is what she wanted us to get. It's what I got- Like what an ass he was, just in his own- based on his own way of thinking. She didn't have to say that he said this dick-y thing. No, she just put it in his voice. Really, really good writing right there. 

Allison Langer  10:06  
Yeah, no 100%. 

Andrea Askowitz  10:08  
And I do think she was still thinking, while she was writing it, she was trying to get back to how she thought it was her fault. Because that's what this whole story is kind of trying to figure out. Was it her fault? And I get her mindset from the beginning, just the way she- Oh my god, she just set it up so well.

Allison Langer  10:34  
This is one of those times where I just want to rewind, and I'm sure she does, too. You know how- like, things in your life you've done, and you're like, if I could just go back and make one different decision, if I could see this guy for who he was, like if- you can't, obviously, go backward. But I just want to like- every time I hear the story, I think, no, this time, she's going to know, she's not going to take another shot. You know, it's like every time I watch Charlotte's Web, I think Charlotte's not gonna die.

Andrea Askowitz  11:02  
Well, you know what, I think the point of this story is that she should be able to take that shot, and the next shot, and the next shot, even if she knows she's gonna get blackout drunk. And be okay. Because, as she says at the end- and I don't think that it's about her doing a different thing the next time, or backing up in time and redoing it in a different way. No, it's like, drinking was not permission. That's what she learned. It's not. And when she Googles it, and Google tells her help is available. And then instead- it's like- I really love what Google did. Google didn't say, you were raped. But Google did, in this like, kind of subtle, artful way. Help is available, and then she starts to cry. And then it still took her years and a lot of therapy to learn that drinking wasn't- does not mean permission to my body, and that the rape was not her fault.

Allison Langer  12:00  
Yeah. You know, further up towards the top, she is laying the groundwork for who this guy is, this John guy, how they were around- you know, he was around her age, and they got around- along well, they were friends, you know, and they could shoot the shit. Like, who doesn't have a friend like that? But then he turned on her. But the thing I thought was really cool is she says, or so I thought so. Or so I thought.

Andrea Askowitz  12:24  
I wanted to ask you about that line. What'd you think of it?

Allison Langer  12:28  
I love it. Because we know some- there's tension. She- she- the narrator drops tension in there. We're like, oh, shit. It's almost like listen, I'm about to tell you something important. And I am paying attention. Because I'm like, Oh, God. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:41  
So she says, what would it hurt? I love to shoot the shit in a platonic way. Or so I thought. Like, why did she say- did she need to say platonic way, or so I thought? Or could she have just said- 

Allison Langer  12:54  
Yeah.

Andrea Askowitz  12:55  
Yeah?

Allison Langer  12:55  
 I liked it, because that's her voice. 

Andrea Askowitz  12:58  
But- But are you saying that she's saying, because danger is about to happen?

Allison Langer  13:03  
Yes. I wanted to know. Yeah, I wanted to make sure that she did not have a crush on him. She- they were not flirting. You know, you think about the "Ehh, what can it hurt?" Those are questions that we as people- like, it makes her story so- so relatable to me.

Andrea Askowitz  13:21  
What I was thinking when I heard that line this time, what if she did flirt with him, even? Even if she did? I mean, so? She should be able to, of course, but I was thinking that we already know the title of the story. We already know it, because it's at the top of the story. So it's called "Is It Rape If You Were Blackout Drunk?" So we already know that she did get raped. So at that point, when she says, "In a platonic way, or so I thought"? 

Allison Langer  13:50  
No, it just makes it 100 times worse, because date rape alre- also is not okay, and you're flirting, and you're going and- I mean, when you say no, it's no. Obviously we've gotten there as a- as a society. But some people have not gotten the memo.

Andrea Askowitz  14:03  
Yeah, I 100% agree with you. I'm talking about the writing though. Like she's sort of foreshadowing again. She's telling us what happened, rather than just leaving it at "We would shoot the shit." She signaling what happened early in the- I don't know if she needs to do that. But it's not bad that she did. I'm just wondering what you thought. 

Allison Langer  14:21  
Yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot. I like that in a story. And I thought it was cool here. Yeah, I like it. So that's your answer. Yes. I liked it.

Andrea Askowitz  14:30  
There's one other thing that I absolutely loved, which was, she told us that- what happens when she starts to drink shots. It's a quick way to pass out, but she didn't want to be the old lady. And she already told us at the very beginning that she was already 30. So she was older than everybody there, and for her, she didn't want to feel like that. And so again, she gives us her mindset. I completely understood this narrator from the first word to the last word.

Allison Langer  14:58  
Same, it was amazing. And I think any age group can get it. Because at 30, you think you're old. At 40, you think you're old. At 50, at 60- I mean, every age thinks they're old. And now I'm like, oh, I want to be 30 again.

Andrea Askowitz  15:13  
I know. But like being a bartender at 30 felt old to her, because she had done it when she was younger. 

Allison Langer  15:19  
Yeah. 

Andrea Askowitz  15:20  
God damn, it's a beautiful story. I'm so impressed.

Allison Langer  15:25  
Can we talk a little bit about the fact that it was workshopped and written at the retreat? I mean, do we talk about that at the top?

Andrea Askowitz  15:31  
I want to talk about it. Yeah. Cool.

Allison Langer  15:34  
I just think it's really cool. Like, I don't write anything when I'm not, like, either in class or at a retreat. And that's when things get published, because you can't do this shit in a vacuum. And I feel like she brought this to the group already really good. And it just got whittled and whittled and whittled until everything was fine tuned. And it's only like 850 words, super short. And it's the best way to get to the heart of what you're trying to say without the fluff, and Mo Sutton nailed it.

Andrea Askowitz  16:07  
Mo Sutton works hard, too. She reworked, and brought in other new drafts, and took the critique seriously, and I'm really, really impressed with where this came to. Or where it came from, and now where it is. Thank you so much, Morgan Sutton, for telling your story. And thank you all for listening.

Allison Langer  16:32  
Morgan Sutton is a registered nurse who works with hospice patients in Austin, Texas. She lives with her husband Brian and dog Cody, and in her spare time, Mo loves to write, practice yoga, get outside, and travel. And by the way, she hates small talk. So if you're gonna say it, dig deep. 

Andrea Askowitz  16:49  
Say it real.

Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  17:03  
And me, Alison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  17:04  
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Allison Langer  18:00  
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Tara Sands (Voiceover)  18:11  
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