185: Am I Turning into My Mother

Justina Shandler  0:00  
You want to be a Plan B, SAP choice the top three. So

Andrea Askowitz  0:15  
I'm Andrea Askowitz

Allison Langer  0:16  
I'm Alison Langer. And this is writing class radio, you'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. And by art, we mean the craft of writing, no matter what's going on in our lives. Writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our show. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in.

Andrea Askowitz  0:44  
Today on our show, we bring you a story by Bonnie Shor, who we call Blee. Blee has been a student of writing class radio for Oh, shoot. I forgot to ask. She's, what two years three, five? I don't know. She seems to be like a permanent two years. She Yeah, she's here in the studio holding up two fingers. Okay. It seems like longer, I don't know, permanent fixture. We love the shit out of bleh. Well,

Allison Langer  1:11  
we got I got to walk with Billy at our writing retreat in December. Like we walked every single morning, we hung out, we told stories to each other. I mean, we just like totally bonded. It was awesome. Billy is

Andrea Askowitz  1:22  
a wonderful person and wonderful to be around. Her story is called Am I turning into my mother? It's a question that you and I totally relate to you and I can't wait to talk about it. After we hear her story. We're also going to talk about what makes a story universal and specific details and the brilliant way she structured the story, also the landing. We're gonna talk about a lot of cool things back with bliss story after the break. We're

Allison Langer  1:55  
back. I'm Alison Langer. And this is writing class radio. Here's Blee Shore reading her story, am I turning into my mother?

Blee Shor  2:07  
Doctor Dr. Sin Tapia placed the testing and process sign on the door. I wiped my wet palms on my jeans. She introduced herself as a neuropsychologist then explain the concept of brain mapping. It's an excellent tool to diagnose brain functioning abnormalities such as anxiety, add and depression. Dr. Sen. Tapia was 50 ish and approachable. I liked her right away. What brings you here? She asked. My mother has dementia I said recently I've seen changes in my own personality. I'm afraid I also have dementia. Dr. Santarpia asked general questions about me and my family. I told her I was in my 60s. My mom was in her 90s. And since 2020 has lived with me and my husband. Some days we glimpse the person she was most days. She has a challenge. Mom and dad lived independently in Chapel Hill. When they were in their 80s My sister lived 30 minutes away. Robin saw them every Sunday for brunch. On her way home. She reported they looked great. The house looked great. They seemed happy. We ended each phone call feeling lucky they have each other for five years. The report never varied. Until one day, just after my 60th birthday, my sister called. She said Mum collapsed. We called 911. The emergency room doc says mom had a series of mini strokes and heart attacks. If mom lives she's going to need a lot of rehab. If mom lives I heard the beeps of machines a siren and pieces of conversation between staff. The crisp, no emotion, just the facts voice of my little sister pierced my core. She said please come down. I googled flights to Raleigh, North Carolina. I texted my husband a physician at work. Sam called back right away. Those are called transient ischemia attacks, T i A's and they can damage the brain go the first night after helping mom with rehab cooking and cleaning. I called Sam. Mom wants to go home to Puerto Rico. She's not from Puerto Rico. He said, Yeah, I know. It tore me up to watch mom and rehab sessions. In one exercise she was required to make the dollar and change. She dumped the coins on the table. The climbing reverberated as moms searched but could not find for orders required. For another exercise. She needed to read the recipe and gather the ingredients. She couldn't. Mom push the can off the counter. She was done. After therapy, I asked her what it felt like. She pointed to her head and said, Behold, the disintegration of the human brain. It's exhausting to fight for a word. My brain races while you speak. I ramble while it searches. And then I forget what I'm saying. So I give up. Oh, my God, I have to search for words to that night I called Sam and asked, am I turning into my mother? He told me not to worry. We're leaving healthy lives. I let him convince me. But what if forgetting words, is how dementia begins. At the two month mark, it became clear my parents could no longer live independently. Robyn rehabbed her house, and my parents moved there for three years. When my sister went back to work. My parents moved in with me. That year was tough. My mom was angry without understanding why she was angry. She repeated herself. She was never hungry, but could not stop eating food was in front of her. She did not like to be with people she did not know. As the years went on, I noticed more of my mother's symptoms and me. I missed appointments, even though I wrote them down. I never left the house without forgetting something. Despite the sign I stuck on the door. Keys, pocketbook cell phone. Basic Life annoyances set me off the TV on full blast insurance forms that seem to be written in another language and then empty milk carton in the fridge. How hard is it to write milk on a grocery list? When I noticed an empty toilet paper roll, I screamed at my husband. He tried to hug me I pushed him away. I said stop patronizing me. Sam said it's not about the paper roll. You need to see someone slam the bathroom door on them for punctuation. I almost laughed because I knew I was acting crazy. But my temper my forgetfulness and my increasing inability to fill out forms correctly, looked too much like my mom's dementia. I said Sam, I need to see someone. During our first session, Dr. Santarpia has technicians attached a cap with plastic discs to my skull and hooked me up to a computer. I saw flashing dots, objects to count, move or find on another computer screen. When I was done. She told me it would take a week to process the results. While I waited in her office The following week, I kept thinking over and over. Please don't let me become a burden to my husband. Please don't steal my independence. Please don't destroy my relationships. I prayed if I did have dementia, there would be good drugs. Dr. Santarpia swapped out the testing sign to consult in progress and invited me to sit down. She opened a booklet and pointed to the first color photograph. She said you do not have dementia. But let me show you this. She pointed to several other graphs. You have ADD anxiety and depression. The anger might come from ADD or trauma. She went on. I heard every third or fourth science word to EEG, Neurofeedback brain frequencies modalities at that moment. I didn't really care. Do you have any questions? Yes. No, I said I stopped listening. When you said they didn't have dementia.

Andrea Askowitz  9:30  
Andrea, you want to go first? Yeah, because this might be the best landing we've ever had on our podcast. I stopped listening. It's like she exemplifies all of her or not all but the Add symptom than the not listening but like she she shows it and and for such good reason. It just like it's the best ending. Ah, it's gorgeous and it's a scene and it just tells us everything and it's hopeful. Oh, man, love it.

Allison Langer  10:03  
Let's just talk about a second like this read like the way she reads her story. I'm just like, oh my god, can she read every story? It's so well done. I mean it without being performative. It just I was intrigued. I was dialed in, like, I wanted to listen to her voice all day. Okay, so that's not the point of the story. But

Andrea Askowitz  10:23  
no, but she has a terrific voice. It's so specific. Yes, it's Yeah. And it's not overdone. It's excellent. Yeah. But wait, I want to talk about when is it exciting? When is it great news when a doctor tells you Oh, no, you just have ADD anxiety and depression.

Allison Langer  10:46  
So good. I know. Yeah, we we get here.

Andrea Askowitz  10:52  
Seriously, when is that great news. That's, that's just wack. But here's the story.

Allison Langer  10:59  
So we have a billy in our studio because she wanted to be a part of the recording. And we love her so much. And I don't know it. Just the timing worked out. We said Come come. So she gets to hear in person like up face to face as we're doing this on squad cast. What's going on? So you heard her giggling in the background? 

Andrea Askowitz  11:20  
Now she's on mute.

Allison Langer  11:21  
I know, right? We muted her. You know, sometimes we're worried about what we're saying about the story that it's gonna hurt somebody's feelings that, you know, we really try hard not to do that.

Andrea Askowitz  11:29  
Well, we only take stories that we love. It's about the things we love about them. Yeah, but all

Allison Langer  11:34  
stories take work. And so this story was worked on a lot and things came in things came out until bleed dialed it down to exactly what she was trying to say. And

Andrea Askowitz  11:48  
literally, it's just the part where we edit out the frustrations. We went through working

Allison Langer  11:53  
with anybody like okay, this and this and they rewrite their whole story are like, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no, everyone does that. Yeah. So just for all you listeners out there, if an editor comes to you, and they say, I need this, I need this, I need this, just do what they're asking, like, don't come back with a whole new story. Just answer the questions, and keep going from there. Because otherwise it creates more work for the person. And it also changes the story and nobody wants that. So at least we don't. What I want to talk about is is how this story is like an entire story contained in an office visit sort of situation. And yes, it took place over a course of a couple of like visits. But the whole thing is told she shows up at the visit. And then we see you the whole story. And then we returned to the visit. That is so satisfying to me. Didn't you think so? Yeah,

Andrea Askowitz  12:51  
I didn't notice it until you just mentioned it. It's actually not the same visit, she goes to the first visit and then she goes back for the results. But it is it's very, very satisfying. There's something about the brain that like really loves a book and and that felt like bookends. But I wanted to talk about there's a million things I want to talk about. But the thing that's like I wanted to ask you is the story is called Am I turning into my mother? And that's the whole stress of the story. Is this narrator turning into her mother and in this way will the narrator also come down with dementia suffer from

Allison Langer  13:27  
come down with like a fucking cold? Like why?

Andrea Askowitz  13:33  
I fallen ill with dementia. Yeah. So she doesn't want to follow with dementia. Okay, so I just feel like I'm not worried about that specifically for myself, but I can 100% relate to turning into my mother weight

Allison Langer  13:50  
backup. Yes, you do often ask me if you're getting dementia and like Alzheimer's in the hole. 

Andrea Askowitz  13:58  
Really? I forgot. 

Allison Langer  13:59  
Yeah. Huh  That's so funny. 

Andrea Askowitz  14:03  
Really? 

Allison Langer  14:05  
Yes. But I mean, a lot of our parents are suffering from really insane illnesses like really major. My mom with ALS. Your dad has always my dad has dementia. Yeah. So it is scary. So yeah, I know that you're trying to say that, even though it's not specific to us, although it is kind of specific to us. We related. That's

Andrea Askowitz  14:28  
what I meant. I meant that I feel like and I don't know, I don't know if this is true, but I feel like I've always had this. Oh my god, am I gonna turn into my mom for good or bad? And I don't know if that's a universal feeling. And that's what I was wondering about. Is it do you think do you think that like most people are like, Oh my god, I'm turning into my mom or oh my god, I'm turning into my dad. Well, I

Allison Langer  14:53  
mean, I can look at my daughter and now like, four in a changing room. I'm sure she's thinking I'm Never gonna look like that. And I look pretty good except I'm in menopause, you know, I'm a little not so tight anymore. Like, my thighs are a little nasty. And I don't wear shorts and you don't, I'm saying like, my stomach is off topic. I know we're not because I used to look at my mom and be like, visually, I'll never look like that. I'll just do sit ups. I'll just do what we think we're never going to get there. And that's just physical, but emotional. And the way we think she said to me, my daughter said to me, like, why are adults so boring? I'm never going to be boring. And I was like, Well, my idea of fun is having friends over or reading a book or chilling. But for them, they want to go out and party and they will turn into us because nobody wants to do that forever. Yeah, and I do think it's fun

Andrea Askowitz  15:48  
to yeah, do boring things. Of course, me too. I think that's totally fun. I want to think about it in terms of writing. Because we say at writing class radio all the time, the more specific the more universal. So in this case, this narrator is very specifically afraid of, of getting falling ill with dementia. But she also was very, very specific in her details throughout which I would note it this time. Like from the beginning, she's talking about right from the very beginning, she talking about this brain mapping that she's about to do that's that's specific for anxiety, ADHD, and depression, she tells us specifically what it's for. Her mother had T IAS that can damage the brain like it's not, we're, it's so specific. And then these are just a few examples. But the moment where she says Mom wants to go home to the to Puerto Rico. That's what the mother said mom wants to go home to Puerto Rico. And sounds like she's not from Puerto Rico. The narrative is like, Yeah, I know. So she didn't just say mom is having like these sort of fantasies about where she wants to go home to she literally specifically told us exactly what she says, and and does that specificity lend itself to the universality.

Allison Langer  17:07  
And now I'm on Puerto Rico. I don't know. Specifically, does that lend itself to universality? I mean, I relate. Because it I feel like just even the fact that she can't the mom is like, not even remembering where she's from, is just a symbol of the fact that she's not who she used to be. So that's enough for me. Okay. Yeah, by showing me that. But this narrator also says that she never left the house without forgetting something, despite the signs stuck to the door that said keys pocketbook and cell phone. Right? Well, those

Andrea Askowitz  17:46  
are the other specific details that the narrator told us about. I think in this case, these very specific details are painting very, very vivid pictures. So we hear the mother saying that about Puerto Rico, we see this note that says keys and

Allison Langer  18:06  
the stuff that annoys her TV on full blast insurance forms Fucking hell, if I have to fill out one more insurance form like every time you go to the doctor, right,

Andrea Askowitz  18:14  
the ones that that seem to be written in another language that was so so well said. I guess I don't know. I guess my question is, are these specific details totally universal? Not exactly. But they they are they hit so hard? They're so good that I understand them? And I think so does everybody. Yeah.

Allison Langer  18:36  
And they also just give us a real good idea of what this narrator is going through and what her fears are, so we get to know her more. But so yes, it feels universal. And yes, the details are super impactful and descriptive enough for us to stay like wanna stay into the story. mistakes, you know, and increases the stakes by knowing all these details. It's

Andrea Askowitz  19:01  
true, knowing exactly what the mother went through. Totally. And is going through Totally.

Allison Langer  19:08  
I mean, I'm scared for this narrator. And then I'm scared for myself, because I'm like, fuck, I forget everything. You know what I mean?

Andrea Askowitz  19:16  
Yes, yes. It's back to me. Not remembering that I am afraid of dementia. You're right. Yes. I'm scared.

Allison Langer  19:26  
Yeah. And then

Andrea Askowitz  19:27  
you wanted to talk about it? Because didn't this really hit home for you? Because, yeah, you're scared of what you're seeing in your mom? Well, of course.

Allison Langer  19:35  
I mean, my mom is now being taken care of like she couldn't live on her own right now at all. by her husband. Well, I'm not married. I don't want my kids to go through that. Like, what do we do? I mean, it's really an important topic, like people are really suffering. And everybody's scared. Yeah, it's scary. It's scary to think that your parent isn't doing what Well And will you not do well? And what what does that look like losing your relationships? Making people you know, like, Oh God, it's not easy.

Andrea Askowitz  20:09  
Like we're all gonna get old. Yeah, I mean if we're lucky

Justina Shandler  20:20  
so

Allison Langer  20:23  
writing class radio is hosted by me, Alison Langer and me Andrea Paskowitz audio production by Matt Cundill. Evans, Stravinsky and Aiden glassy at the sound off media company. The music is by Justina Shambler. There's more writing class on our website including stories we study editing resources, video classes, writing retreats, and live online classes. If you want to write with us every week, if you're a business owner, community activist group that needs healing entrepreneur, scientist, or even like a nonprofit group that is helping teenagers get into college, or anybody who needs to write. Check out all the classes we offer on our website, writing class radio, join the community that comes together for instruction and excuse to write in the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our websites, or patreon.com/writing class radio, a new episode will drop every other Wednesday.

Andrea Askowitz  21:24  
There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours?

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  21:40  
produced and distributed by the sound off media company