190: Then and Now and Back to Then

Andrea Askowitz  0:03  
I'm Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  0:06  
I'm Allison Langer, and this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. 

Andrea Askowitz  0:28  
Shit! 

Allison Langer  0:29  
Shit. There's no place in the world like writing class. And we want to bring you in.

Andrea Askowitz  0:35  
Today, we are seven weeks out from the November 5 election, and we're bringing you a new series called Our Abortion Stories. Last week, we did a live show featuring seven badass, awesome, heart wrenching and heartwarming, uplifting, triumphant stories, and we're going to bring you one a week for the next seven weeks. We had 19 collaborative partners in this live show effort. First of all, I want to say that it was started by Rabbi Greengrass from Temple Beth Am. She called me two months ago, she said, Andrea, we need to do a show of abortion stories. And I was like, you know what? Okay, we're gonna do it if we get community buy in. And we got so much community buy in.

Allison Langer  1:30  
Okay, so I just want to quickly jump in here and just say that Andrea put this together with all these people, because she is a pro at storytelling nights, stories in general, on bringing people's stories out into the world, bringing shame and secrets out of people in general. And that's what we aim to do with Writing Class Radio. We've seen it with students, with people who have never written, who just can't come to our classes and start writing their story, and just boom, we see healing like never before. So Rabbi Greengrass knew this, and that's why she called Andrea and called us to put this show on. Quickly, I came to Writing Class Radio, or actually writing class in general, when I lost my daughter to- at 16 months to a congenital heart defect, and I was circling the drain. I was in bad shape, and I heard her class advertised, and I thought, you know what? Maybe I should just write. Maybe that will help me feel better. And I started writing about my dog, very impersonal, not very vulnerable things, until she said, you need to get vulnerable. And she said, I need you to write about the thing you don't want to write about. And on the last class, I stood up and I told my story. Could barely get through it. If I think about it now, I'm still going to cry, and it's been 16 years, but that story, standing up and sharing it with my classmates and just people in general, it just released so much of the pain, and it really helped me move forward, and we have dedicated our lives to now helping other people do the same thing.

Andrea Askowitz  3:12  
Oh my god, we're not in the studio together, but I wish I could hug you. Thank you for telling us that, and thank- it makes me cry too. But the point of all of that is what you've told me so many times, Allison, is that when you told your story that first time, like instead of creating distance, everybody came closer to you. I've seen it happen over and over again, and I've seen it happen with you, and it's the most beautiful experience. And that's what stories do. If this is your first time listening and you want to hear Allison's full story, and understand why we started this podcast so many years ago, please listen to episode one. So how is this related to abortion? Let me tell you. Right now, in Florida, there is a near total abortion ban, but in November, we have a chance to vote Yes On 4. 33 years ago, I started as a reproductive rights activist. What I've seen since then is some movements, like the gay rights movement has gained tons of traction. The real reason that queer people have gained so much legal freedom is because we have told our stories. We've told our love stories, and the reason that abortion rights have taken a huge backslide is because people have been afraid to tell their abortion stories. But not anymore, and that's why we're telling our abortion stories. 

Allison Langer  4:51  
Yes, and you will hear all the stories from the show, one after the other. I really just think it was so interesting. We invited a group that we were helping with their college essays, and a very religious male came, and then sent you an email afterwards telling us that he had no idea of the extent of this six week abortion ban. And that is what we heard over and over and over, from very conservative religious people, who said, "I had no idea." And you will hear those stories, and just listen to them with an open mind. That's all we're asking. 

Andrea Askowitz  5:32  
Please listen to the craft and artistry of each story, and please also listen with an open mind, because that 18 year old boy told us that he had no idea that this abortion ban affected healthcare in the way it affects health care, and I think you'll learn that too. So thank you for listening. Our first story in this series is by Liz Shafari. We asked all of our storytellers why they write, and why they wrote this story, and Liz said she wrote this story because it was time. Back with Liz's story after the break. 

Allison Langer  6:08  
We're back. I'm Allison Langer, and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Here's Liz Shafari reading her story, Then And Now, and Back To Then.

Liz Shafari  6:23  
I am 73 years old. I have had two abortions. One in 1970 when I was 19, and one in 1997 when I was 45. I have never told the story of my abortions. I always thought that if I ever shared a true story about my life, it would be something humorous or with an ironic twist, like when I learned to love living in the tropics after I killed a scorpion with a Dr. Scholl's sandal, or when I ditched school to go to Greenwich Village to buy Fred Bronze, the remarkably ugly shoe that was the trademark of suburban 1960's would-be hippies. Most of my true stories have something to do with shoes. But fair warning, there is nothing funny or ironic about my abortion story. What is significant about this story is how radically different the two experiences were. In 1970, before Roe v. Wade, I was a freshman in college. I was smart, but only in the bookish sense. I clearly was not smart enough to know that withdrawal is a prayer, not a method of contraception. By the time I suspected I was pregnant, I was home for the summer in Westchester County, New York. I did not want to have a baby. I started making phone calls to doctors, to Planned Parenthood, to the recently formed National Organization for Women. I asked where I could go to get an abortion. I could not get straight answers. Now let's talk about my mother. I loved her, of course. She was your typical Jewish mother: smart, but very, very opinionated, and very, very out of date when it came to sex. She believed a girl getting pregnant out of wedlock was justification for suicide. Yes, she actually said that to me. So clearly I could not go to my mother for help. My boyfriend found an older male OBGYN who was willing to help us. The doctor explained that New York State was fairly liberal, and that he could perform a legal abortion in a hospital if I had two psychiatrists attest that my mental health would be in jeopardy if the pregnancy were not terminated. He gave me the names of two psychiatrists. He also explained that if I wanted to go this route without a parent's consent, I would have to be 21. So yes, indeed, I was 21 and so was my boyfriend. Yes, indeed. Lying did not come easy to me, but I was willing to tell whatever story was necessary. The next hurdle was money. We needed to come up with enough money for the doctor, the hospital, and the two psychiatrists. It was something like $400, a huge sum to us. To put it in perspective, in 1970, $400 was a year's tuition at a public university. We phoned our friends asking for money. Not everyone was cool with abortion, so we had to be careful who we asked. It was like an underground GoFundMe. Ultimately, we managed to raise the money. With cash in hand, my boyfriend and I took the train into Manhattan. I had after-hours appointments with two psychiatrists, who clearly were part of a network helping girls secure legal abortions. Each appointment took about 10 minutes. I was asked what I would do if I could not terminate the pregnancy. I knew enough to say that I might kill myself. When asked how, I said I'd throw myself in front of a subway. This was New York, after all. To get an abortion in 1970, before anyone I knew admitted to going to therapy, and when talking about mental health was even more taboo than talking about abortion, I had to proclaim I was mentally ill. The next day, I scheduled the abortion at Harlem Hospital. My boyfriend had a job, so my closest girlfriend drove me to the train station, but beyond that, I was on my own. I arrived at Grand Central Station in a blinding thunderstorm and could not get a taxi. I have never felt so alone before or since. I arrived at the hospital soaking wet. Assorted nurses came by for the pre-surgery preparations. I was shocked when a nurse shaved my pubic hair. This was Woodstock era, and women were more protective of their private gardens. I have very little memory of the surgery. I do remember that when I checked out of the hospital, the desk seemed confused by my need to pay in cash. I felt weak and crampy, and I knew I was spotting as I left the hospital, but I also felt enormous relief. So, I managed to end my pregnancy safely and legally. In fairness to my boyfriend, he told me later that he should have been there, and always regretted that he wasn't. As a result of our experience, he became an enthusiastic pro-choice spokesman. As for my mother, she ultimately found out, because the anesthesiologist sent an invoice to our home, despite my specific instructions not to. She held up a condom to my face and said, "Don't you know what this is, you- you dumkuff?" Our relationship never really recovered. I never spoke about the abortion. I felt shame and worried that I would never be able to get pregnant again, something I'm sure my mother instilled in me. Many years later, when I had difficulty getting pregnant, I told my fertility doctor. He gently told me that I could let go of that notion. The relief was profound. I did, in fact, have a beautiful baby boy in 1986. Jump ahead to 1997. I was 45. My then-husband and I were going through a divorce, and I was seeing another man. My partner had no children, and had reason to believe he was sterile. I was already going through perimenopause, and with my history of infertility, we felt perfectly safe not using contraception. Big, big mistake. I already had a family and a full life, plus my soon-to-be ex-husband had hired a pitbull divorce lawyer, and I feared what would happen if this lawyer knew that I had become pregnant before the divorce- the divorce was final. Would he try to have sole custody of our son given to my ex? Would it affect alimony and child support? I decided the best course of action would be to terminate the pregnancy. The abortion I had was very different from the other one, and this part of my story is blessedly short. I lived in Miami. Abortion was legal and easy to arrange. Money was not an issue this time, and I was not ashamed. I called my feminist friend, Bonnie, who knew exactly what I should do and where I should go. She made the appointment, came with me to the procedure, and held my hand. It wasn't a happy occasion, but it wasn't a shameful secret that I had to carry for 50 years. As for my ex, he fired his nasty divorce lawyer, and we hammered out our own divorce settlement. We shared custody of our son, and my ex and I are still close friends. There is, of course, a moral at the intersection of my two stories, and I will not insult you by explaining it. Thank you.

Andrea Askowitz  15:43  
I am so impressed with this story. I love it. I think it is so solid. I want to talk about it in two ways, because it's vulnerable in a different way than all the other stories at the show were vulnerable. And what I mean is- So Liz, she just simply did not want these two abortions. No apologies, and she explains why. She just stood strong and said, I was 19. I didn't want to be a mom yet. I was 45. I already had my family. And I'm so impressed. I'm also so impressed with the story. So I wanted to talk a little bit about the structure, the voice.

Allison Langer  16:31  
Oh, my God. Okay, so I just loved her the second I met her at our rehearsals, when she walked in. And, of course, I'd already read her story and- but I, you know, was trying to put a name to the face in the story and lalalah, the whole thing. Anyway, of course, she's just the sweetest, like, most wonderful, intelligent, like, calm, I don't know, I just- I loved her.

Andrea Askowitz  16:53  
She has a presence. She's- she's kind of regal.

Allison Langer  16:58  
She does, she really does. But what most impressed me is she wanted to tell this story, and would not be deterred. I don't think anyone was trying to deter her, but it was very, very important for her to be in the show, to tell her story, and to have people hear it. And I think it's because of the shame that she carried for all those years, and she just doesn't want anyone else to go through that. 

Andrea Askowitz  17:25  
Right after we told our stories on the stage, she told me this: A woman in the audience hugged her and cried, and said, "I hope now I will have the courage to tell my abortion story." So there was another woman about her age who hasn't been able to come out with her abortion story. 

Allison Langer  17:45  
We were sitting, you know, before the show, you know, when we got there kind of early. We were just sitting around. She was on, you know, early like me. She said to me, I called my son last night, because when I heard it was going to be live streamed, I knew I had to tell him my story, and he had not heard it yet. I get the chills just saying that. 

Andrea Askowitz  18:07  
And he said, did you have the abortion before I was born or after? And she said, yes. 

Allison Langer  18:14  
Both. Yes. But I mean, I just thought that was really cool, because we talk a lot about stories and how sometimes we are carrying these secrets from our people, and by sharing them with them, that even gets more of the shame out, and it brings them closer to us. So I think he thought, Mom, that's awesome. I mean, I definitely think she got a great response from him, and really cool.

Andrea Askowitz  18:39  
Okay, I want to talk about the way it's so well grounded. We talk about grounding on the podcast, but here we know right from the start, "I'm 73 years old. I had two abortions." And then the story is about these two stories. And there was something she did that I thought was so well done in terms of voice. It's hard to do this. It's like, hey, I'm going to tell you a story, and this is the story. But that's what she did, and she kept true to that language. She said, let's talk about my mother. And then later she said, "in fairness to my boyfriend," "as for my mother," and she also said, this part- When she got to the second story, she said, "This part of my story is blessedly short." So she's reminding the listener that she's telling two stories, and she never breaks from that. And she did such a good job coming full circle with all of her characters and bringing us up to date with where they are now. One other thing I must mention, and I- this is- this just makes my heart so big, is that feminist friend, Bonnie, is my mom. My mom took Liz to her second abortion and held her hand.

Allison Langer  19:52  
But that's how we found her story, right? 

Andrea Askowitz  19:53  
Yes. 

Allison Langer  19:54  
So you called your mom and you said, "Do you know anyone of your era who had an abortion?" 

Andrea Askowitz  19:58  
And my mom said, Liz Shafari. And I called Liz Shafari, and right away she put pen to paper and she sent us this story.

Allison Langer  20:07  
A lot of people, when they come to writing, they want to be secretive, and they don't want to tell you what- the ending to their story, because they think you're not going to read until the end. They want you to be surprised. But this narrator told us right up front, the whole thing, and still we were really, really interested and wanted to read to the end.

Andrea Askowitz  20:25  
We know that she had two abortions from the start, because the why is what's most important in a story. So she gives us- that's the grounding. She gives us, what? That she has two abortions. Who? Woman at 73. When? Now, but then- then stories reveal themselves in the why. Why? Why did this happen? Why did you do it this way? Why did you act that way? That's what this and most stories are. They're revelation of why.

Allison Langer  20:54  
But also, what I was noticing here is, it's not just the why, it's how did- how did this change who she is, or how did she change as a person? And a lot of times we get a story that's really just a situation, and on our podcast, we talk a lot about situation and story. So she didn't just tell us what happened. She showed us that the second time, she was not ashamed. 

Andrea Askowitz  21:18  
Yep. 

Allison Langer  21:18  
And she went to go get- and in this situation, the whole reason for this whole series is to bring back abortion, the legal and healthy side, where people like Liz and others can go and get a legal abortion and not be ashamed.

Andrea Askowitz  21:39  
100%, and before we thank Liz, I want to mention that I had no idea that in 1970, women had to go and proclaim that they were mentally ill. I feel like that is- could have been disastrous for Liz for the rest of her life, but she did what she had to do, and that was courageous and strong, and I'm so proud of her.

Allison Langer  22:08  
This story had stakes, and those were the stakes, like, oh my god, is it going to just kill her career? What's going to happen? Is she going to be sterile? Is she not gonna have any-

Andrea Askowitz  22:16  
Is she never going to get get health care again? I mean-

Allison Langer  22:18  
Yeah, is she never gonna have a baby?

Andrea Askowitz  22:20  
Right.

Allison Langer  22:20  
So there's all those things that we were worried, and that's what also made the story interesting, that there were stakes and we were invested.

Andrea Askowitz  22:29  
It was riveting, and her delivery was spot on. Thank you, Liz Shafari, for telling your story, and thank you for standing up in front of hundreds of people and just standing behind your truth.

Allison Langer  22:43  
Yeah, she killed it. It was awesome. It was the first story in the- in the show, and it was so solid. It just drew us all in. So thanks, Liz, and it's been a pleasure to get to know you. 

Andrea Askowitz  22:55  
Thank you, Liz Shafari, for telling your story. And thank you, listener, for listening, and I want to ask you to do one thing, and that is tell three friends what you learned from this story, and what you learned from all the stories. And if you live in Florida, vote yes on 4 in November. 

Allison Langer  23:20  
Woo hoo. Yes. And I want to say, please share this episode with your friends. You have no idea what they've been through, if they've been through anything, but this episode is important.

Andrea Askowitz  23:33  
I'll tell you that it's very easy to share an episode. If you're listening to it right now, there's a button on the episode that lets you text it to a friend, so you can text it to as many friends as you want. Thank you for sharing. 

Allison Langer  23:48  
Liz Shafari is a retired law librarian and retired lawyer living in South Florida. Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  24:00  
And me, Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  24:03  
Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evan Surminski and Aidan Glassey at the Sound Off Media Company. Theme music is by Kenny Currade. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats and live online classes, if you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist, group that needs healing, entrepreneur, and you want to help your team write better, check out all the classes we offer on our website, WritingClassRadio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction, an excuse to write, and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/WritingClassRadio. A new episode in this series will drop every Wednesday.

Andrea Askowitz  24:52  
Before we go, I want to thank Rabbi Greengrass of Temple Beth Am one more time for making this show happen. And I want to thank the 19 justice organizations. I'm going to list them really fast. The Workers' Circle, RAC Florida, NCJW, Tikkun Olam, Sisterhood, Women of Reform Judaism, Coral Gables United Church of Christ, Women's Emergency Network, Temple Israel, Temple Judea, Florida Women's Freedom Coalition, Catholics for Choice, Florida Alliance of Planned Parenthood Affiliates, Books & Books, Men 4 Choice, Equal Justice Society, The Women's Fund, Cuban American Women Supporting Democracy and All Angels Episcopal Church. Those 19 organizations plus more than 35 justice champions, and those are just individual volunteers who gave $500 to $1,000 to help make this happen. Thank you. Thank you. And there are also so many volunteers, including Caroline Miller. And none of this could have happened without all of your help. If you want to make a donation to help Yes On 4 win this campaign- Yes On 4 needs lots of money- the donation link is on our website, WritingClassRadio.com, it's in our show notes, and it's also- there's also a link in our bio. There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours?

Tara Sands 26:20  
Produced and distributed by the Sound Off Media Company.