191: The Shade of Our Grandmothers’ Trees.

Allison Langer  00:04

I'm Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  00:06

I'm Andrea Askowitz, and this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in.

Allison Langer  00:40

This episode is the second in a seven part series on abortion. Abortion rights, abortion stories. You will hear everything you need to know about what's going on in Florida and how we can help, how you can help.

Andrea Askowitz  00:57

These stories were told on stage live at The Hub at Beth Am on September 5, 2024. They were told in service to getting all Floridians inspired and ignited to work to win Yes on 4. Yes on 4 is an amendment on the Florida ballot, and it will bring back reproductive rights to Floridians. Right now we have a near total abortion ban, and Yes on 4 will bring reproductive rights back to Floridians. If you're just tuning in, to find out why we're doing a seven part Abortion Stories series and how we got into this, please listen to episode 190, "Then And Now and Back To Then," or listen to our trailer. There, we list our 19 collaborative partners, and talk about why we care so deeply about sharing stories.

Allison Langer  01:57

Up next is Nicole Crooks telling her story, The Shade of Our Grandmother's Trees. We're back. I'm Allison Langer, and this is Writing Class Radio.

Andrea Askowitz  02:09

If you are sensitive to this issue, I want to let you know that this episode mentions rape and childhood sexual abuse. Here's Nicole Crooks reading her story, The Shade of Our Grandmother's Trees.

Nicole Crooks  02:25

At 27, I was a single mom of two boys, ages six and seven. Reclaiming my power, therapy, yoga, journaling, meditation, prayer, lots of prayer. I was healing. So many choices have been driven by feelings of not-enough-ness, guilt, embarrassment, shame. I was taking a deep look at my patterns and course correcting in ways that honored the still-small voice within. When I pray and get quiet, God whispers a divine guidance. Some call it their gut or intuition. I call it God. And when I listen, I know the answers to whatever the question or situation. I survived 11 years of childhood sexual abuse by my older cousin, starting when I was five, and ending on my 16th birthday. That day, I decided not one more day. I fought to reclaim myself and all I felt had been taken from me. It was my own rite of passage, a reclamation of my body, power and life. I met the father of my boys during my freshman year of college. We were both way too immature to be in a relationship with each other, let alone anybody's parent. And despite all of the signs, I clung to the idea of creating a fairy tale family. Even put my own raggedy $99 ring on layaway at Service Merchandise. I never paid it off, thank God. Our relationship was more like a series of Jerry Springer melodramas than a fairy tale. The final blow came when I found him in our bed with another woman, and I was devastated, but gratefully, it became another catalyst for me to reclaim my power. My greatest gifts from that relationship are my beautiful sons, and the seeds that were planted to help create the woman I am today. In 2001, at 27, I had my dream job as a Resident Director at SUNY Albany- go Danes. decent salary, great benefits and a free two bedroom apartment for my sons and me. I no longer had to pretend we were camping when the electricity was turned off. I was so happy. I felt powerful and confident, like I was living and working in my purpose and finally reaping the fruits of my commitment to myself. That was also the year the date rape drug became an epidemic. People would drop an undetectable drug they call GHB, into an unsuspecting victim's drink, and take advantage of them, and this was all new to us. It was very scary, and in that first semester, about 15 women told me they had been raped. I assured them that they were not to blame, and I would say things like, "No one has a right to do anything to your body without your consent," or "I don't care if at the last minute, you changed your mind and said, I don't want to do this. That's final. No is no." I felt like my past pain finally had a purpose. This job became my ministry, and I encouraged each woman to report her rape. Even still, very few did. Around this time, I met someone who seemed really gentlemanly. We went on a few dates, and I really liked and felt safe with him. One night, after putting my boys to bed, I invited him over to watch a movie in the living room, and as things got escalated, I said, "No." I knew I wasn't ready, but he didn't stop. I struggled, but remained quiet. I didn't want to wake my boys. I could not have them walk in on that. As he left, he said, "If you didn't want it, you wouldn't have invited me here." His words strangled me. I questioned everything, especially my judgment. How could I have put my boys at risk like that? I felt ashamed and irresponsible. I questioned every decision that led to that moment, and I felt all of the things that my students used to say to me. I really just wanted the pain to go away, and have my joy and sovereignty back. A few weeks later, I learned I was pregnant, and when I asked him to take responsibility for the cost of the termination, he said, "Oh, that's what you do? You kill babies now?" I was torn. Part of me thought, maybe I should continue the pregnancy. My oldest son was seven at the time, and one day, we were at the Champion outlet when he picked out a baby girl outfit- cute- and he said, This is for my baby sister. I was stunned. There's no way he could have known. The due date was calculated to be my best friend's birthday. She passed away four years earlier, and I felt like the universe was sending me all of these signs, but I also knew that this pregnancy was a result of a painful rape. My best friend Tyreek helped me see that I needed to make the choice that was right for me. He reminded me that the rape was not my fault, and supported me through the entire process. He was my rock. He told me, "You have to do what's best for you and the boys, because ultimately, it has to be your decision, because you'll be the one who has to deal with the choice." He also begged me to report it. I did not. I got quiet, prayed, and listened for God's voice. Ultimately, I called Planned Parenthood, because I knew I wasn't equipped to care for another child, not on my own, especially one conceived through such a violation. The termination and the aftermath was really hard, emotionally and physically, but I'm grateful I had the autonomy to make that decision. Today, I have an 18 year old daughter, who was conceived years later under very different circumstances. She's starting her college journey, and knows my story. My prayer is that she'll never have to make a choice like this. But the idea that she, and other women, have lost the right to choose what happens to their own bodies is terrifying to me. There's a quote that inspires me. "Blessed are those who plant trees under whose shade they will never sit." I'm grateful for all of our mothers and grandmothers who planted the trees for my generation, and I pray that I will be able to do the same for those generations that follow. Thank you.

Allison Langer  10:42

I thought Nicole did such an incredible job of sharing this very, very personal and vulnerable story. My heart right at the beginning, when she talked about her cousin and the amount of time she was quiet, that really, really hit me.

Andrea Askowitz  10:58

Uh huh, yeah, this story has several really hard moments. There are so many things that I want to say about it. She's a queen on stage. She is poised and elegant. And I mean, all of our storytellers- the way that they delivered their stories was just so inspiring. And just- really, I was- I watched and I felt it, felt it so hard, and felt like love and compassion and just their beauty. There's a few other things that I think are amazing about this story. One of them is her voice. I get, like, such a clear sense of who Nicole Crooks is. She starts with praying. I mean, she does yoga and she does therapy, but prayer is her healing method, and she comes back to prayer throughout the story, and especially at the end. Okay, wait, there's three- there's three times, and- and when something is mentioned three times in the story, it really sinks in and works in a story. So she starts with prayer, and she says, "God whispers, when I listen, I know the answer." So we know that that's what she does. When she says, the job as resident director was her ministry? That language is so brilliant, because it's bringing back this religious aspect. And here she is later, as an adult, working with college students who have been raped. It's like she's telling us that, like, all the shit that she went through, there's a purpose for it. I just was so moved by that. And then at the very end, she prays, and listens, and that's how she knows what to do.

Allison Langer  12:57

But what's really interesting to me is she is the person telling these college girls to report, and yet, when it happens to her, she doesn't report. So that was like- here's a beautiful, intelligent, you know, take-charge woman, who's giving great advice to other people, and can't even do it. That tells me it is a much bigger, much, much bigger situation, like in our hearts and our brains and our minds, like what we're going through is a whole body experience that causes us not to be able to go to the police, and that is a problem with our world, and by making these abortions illegal, it just exacerbates that. It's already hard enough. So what I didn't know, and- is that, yes, there are exceptions. There are exceptions to the six week abortion ban, but what they don't tell you is that you need a court order to get an abortion in cases of rape and incest. So I just want to tell you what the Tallahassee Democrat says is happening in cases of rape and incest or human trafficking. The law requires a copy of a restraining order, police report, medical record or other court order or documentation providing evidence, so it's not the doctor's opinion. You can't just go to a doctor and say, I was raped. You have to stand in front of a judge, and have a judge tell you whether or not you were raped, and can now have this abortion. That is bullshit.

Andrea Askowitz  14:42

Later in the series, we're going to hear from a doctor who explains really clearly how this exception, how all the exceptions in the current Florida law, are not real exceptions, and what's so beautiful and vulnerable about what Nicole Crooks laid out, is how emotionally difficult and- and kind of- in so- in most cases, impossible for women who get raped to report. It's just so hard. And to require women to report before they can get an abortion is cruel, and that's our current law. When she said she felt all the things her students said to her, when she was- in her story, when she's talking to her friend, Tyreek?

Allison Langer  15:31

Yeah.

Andrea Askowitz  15:32

Oh my God.

Allison Langer  15:34

I know.

Andrea Askowitz  15:34

You can know something- you can know something to the core, but acting is different.

Allison Langer  15:40

Yeah, especially- it brings up so much shame. It brings up stress and trauma from previous assaults and abuse, and it's just a lot. It's a lot to handle for- for women, people, anyone.

Andrea Askowitz  15:57

Thank you, Nicole Crooks, for telling your story, and thank you for listening. I want to ask you to do two things. Please tell three people what you learned about the truth of this abortion ban, and the bogus exception for rape, incest and human trafficking. And I want you also to share this episode with one friend, and if you're in Florida, please vote Yes on 4.

Allison Langer  16:29

Nicole Crooks is a coach and consultant who is committed to black women's well being and building community. You can find Nicole on Instagram at IAmNicoleCrooks. That's IAmNicoleCrooks, and all the links will be in our show notes, and this link will be in our show notes. Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  16:55

And me, Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  16:59

Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evan Surminski and Aidan Glassey at the Soundoff Media Company. Theme music is by Kenny Korade. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats and live online classes. If you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist, group that needs healing, entrepreneur, and you want to help your team write better, check out all the classes we offer on our website, writingclassradio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction, an excuse to write, and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/writingclassradio. A new episode in this series will drop every Wednesday. A full list of our sponsors and a link to donate to Yes on 4 can be found in our show notes.

Andrea Askowitz  17:53

There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our stories. Everyone has a story. What's yours?

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  18:02

Produced and distributed by the Soundoff Media Company