193: Another Try at a Better Life

Allison Langer  00:03

I'm Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  00:04

I'm Andrea Askowitz, and this is Writing Class Radio. You'll hear true personal stories and learn how to write your own stories. Together, we produce this podcast, which is equal parts heart and art. By heart, we mean the truth in a story. By art, we mean the craft of writing. No matter what's going on in our lives, writing class is where we tell the truth. It's where we work out our shit. There's no place in the world like writing class, and we want to bring you in. Today, we bring you the fourth story in a seven part series called Our Abortion Stories, to support Yes on 4, an amendment to bring abortion rights back to Florida. A few weeks ago, we did a live show in Miami, Florida, featuring seven heartbreaking but also heartwarming and triumphant stories covering all aspects of abortion and health. We're bringing you one a week until the election, November 5, 2024. If you're listening after November 5, these stories are still amazing and informative, both in content and craft. If you're just tuning in, like if this is your first time listening to Writing Class Radio, please listen to episode 190 to learn how our live show came to be, and why we feel stories can change hearts and laws.

Allison Langer  01:29

Today's story is by Nilsa Ada Rivera. Nilsa has actually been on the podcast a few times, including episode 29 and episode 107.

Andrea Askowitz  01:39

Okay, so if you want to hear more Nilsa, check the show notes, because her other stories are amazing.

Allison Langer  01:43

Today's story was told, obviously, on stage and live. I mean, it's one of the most incredible stories I've heard, because it just gives us so much depth into people and what people go through that we don't even know. We'll be back with Nilsa's story after the break. We're back. I'm Allison Langer, and you're listening to Writing Class Radio. Here's Nilsa Rivera reading her story, Another Try at a Better Life.

Nilsa Ada Rivera  02:11

There I was, in a rundown motel on Biscayne Boulevard. It was one of those motels for the two hour visit people don't want anyone to know about. Curvin, my three year old son, was eating McDonald's with my boyfriend, Marlon. I ran into the bathroom and ripped off the paper that crossed the toilet. I could smell the bleach the cleaning lady had used. At least the bathrooms were clean. I squatted to pee onto the pregnancy test. It took me months to buy the damn test. I noticed I missed my cycle, but whatever. I hadn't been regular. I was 20 years old, homeless, with a toddler, and in love with a drug dealer. Every day, Marlon and I struggled to come up with $65 for the motel. I didn't work. Every bit of money Marlon made went for the room, food, diapers, gas and some weed. We didn't- when we didn't have enough money, we stayed at the car, which was a heat trap. We did anything to avoid the car. So I didn't want to take money away for a pregnancy test. I put the test on the sink and waited. I was shaking. I told myself, a baby wasn't bad. Despite our situation, maybe a baby would make Marlon say yes to that roofing job. The job paid less than what he made on the street, but it was consistent, and I could go to school, get my GED, work as a counselor helping women like me. A baby would push Marlon into getting us an apartment. I didn't want to hear people having sex on the other side of the wall anymore. I wanted a shelf for my son's toys. A baby was my key to a real home. But what if Marlon didn't want a baby? I looked at the test. There were two lines. The bathroom spun around me. Fuck. When I was pregnant with my first son, my boyfriend got so mad, he screamed and pushed me around. He wanted me to get an abortion, but I didn't believe in abortion. I was raised Catholic, and did not want to go to hell. I had the kid, and finally ran away when my boyfriend started hitting my son too. Then I met Marlon, who was part of a gang, but he was good to my son and me. I walked out of the bathroom shaking like a bobblehead. When I told Marlon, he jumped up and down and hugged me so hard he knocked me onto the bed. He screamed, "Yes, we're having a baby!" Then he thought he crossed- he crushed the baby, and apologized. He rubbed my stomach, all while roaches scurried around the grocery bags that had our clothes in it, all while drugs were hidden in my son's backpack. We talked about our babies and a new life, all while the blue lights from police cars slipped through the windows. He put a finger over his mouth to tell my toddler to hush, while the police walked around the motel to defuse a fight that had broken out between hookers. I knew I had to go to the doctor for prenatal vitamins. I wasn't eating right. Sometimes I ate a 29 cent burger and nothing else for days. But to get to the doctor, I needed a Medicaid card, which I had not renewed, because my renewal letter was sent to my friend's house and I forgot to ask about it. I had also lost our birth certificate, and social security card, with all the moving around. New birth certificates cost $40. When I finally got the money, I had to wait for the document to be mailed to my grandfather's house. Then I applied for Medicaid, waited for the Department of Children and Family to review my application, approve it, and mail me the card. All in all, I was almost five months pregnant, which is 20 weeks, by the time I saw the OBGYN. When Marlon and I went to the ultrasound, we were so happy. Imagine us in that little ass room with a huge ultrasound machine like the ones in the movies. On the screen, our baby. Next to me, Marlon and my toddler. It was the most normal I had felt in years. The nurse started the exam, then said, "Give me a second, please," and walked out. Then the doctor sent us to Jackson Memorial. After enamel, blood work, ultrasound and more testing, which took two weeks, the doctor said the baby's heart isn't developed as it should. If the baby makes it through labor, he will suffer a life of surgery, hospitalization, medication and special care. Special care sounded expensive, and impossible to do from a motel room. The doctor recommended an abortion. I was 22 weeks, and had less than two weeks to decide. We were both raised in religious families. We didn't want an abortion. Marlon and I cried. We fought. In the end, he admitted I had the last word. It was my body, and if I chose abortion, I would be the one to go to hell. I kept thinking about what kind of life I would give Marlon Junior. Yeah, we named him. Even if I decided to have him and give him up for adoption, what was the likelihood that a baby with such heart problems would be adopted? As much as I wanted a stable life for Curvin and Marlon Junior, that wasn't a reality. Wouldn't it have been more selfish and sinful to bring a newborn to a motel with mold, roaches, or a car we sold crack out of? I decided to go with the abortion. It was the worst experience I have ever been through. I've never met a woman who enjoyed an abortion. Everything about it is painful. After the abortion, Marlon spiraled into depression and got hooked on Xanax. A year later, Marlon and I got arrested. It took me another year to leave Marlon. Then I lived bouncing around between people's houses, until I finally got that counseling job helping women like me, and made enough to rent my own place. That was 27 years ago. Now I'm a housing analyst. I have a graduate degree. I have a book deal. I'm writing about homelessness. I have two adult children, three grandbabies I adore, and an amazing, gorgeous, supportive husband who also has a good career. I finally have my real home. I often think of Marlon Junior. I know I made the right decision for him. He would have suffered because of my selfish desires to bring him into a world under those circumstances. I also know I made the right decision for me, though I still struggle. Having Marlon Junior and my son on the street, and doing what I needed to do to survive, would have caused me to lose custody of them both. Worse, who's to tell Marlon Junior would have survived the streets? Still, for years, I felt evil, like I would end up in hell for what I did. But according to the Bible, God gave me the responsibility to choose what's right for me. The Bible doesn't say when God believes life begins. So while I wait for God- the only entity that has the power to judge me- I choose to believe that sometimes the most loving gift a mother can give her child so is another try at a better life.

Andrea Askowitz  11:50

This story is so beautiful and so honest. I mean, God, I love it. This is the one that- or one of the ones in this series, that it's about so much more than just an abortion.

Allison Langer  12:08

Yeah.

Andrea Askowitz  12:08

And that's what I think is so cool about this series.

Allison Langer  12:11

What's interesting is that Nilsa is- she's- she's actually a professional, like she writes, it's not her first story. As I mentioned at the top, she's written for us before. Her voice is so incredible. So there's something about the way she writes with such vulnerability, that she's telling us she's a drug dealer. She's telling us, like, she's living in these terrible places. We love her.

Andrea Askowitz  12:37

It's true, we love her no matter what.

Allison Langer  12:39

So that's why it feels like it's so much more than abortion, because we are drawn into her life and her story, and we realize there is just so much more that goes into a decision than what we're into a person, that what we see.

Andrea Askowitz  12:55

The vividness of her scenes, like right from the very beginning, when she ripped off the paper across the toilet? Like, I so see that. And then she grounds us so completely, like I was 20 years old, homeless with a toddler and in love with a drug dealer. Clean, clear. I thought she did such a great job of showing Marlon as a lovable character. I mean, even though he was selling drugs, he cared about her, like that moment where he, like, gets so excited and then pushes her down and then gets afraid that he hurt the baby. That's so sweet.

Allison Langer  13:35

Yeah. It's just that she shows us a different side of people who we consider "bad people." Most of us are conditioned to believe that drug dealers are only bad. You know, we're seeing a side- like, he makes more money dealing drugs than roofing, and he's trying to support a family and get out of these rat infested, you know, roach infested places. So we're feeling for him, even though he's doing this thing, or they are.

Andrea Askowitz  14:01

Yeah, 100%. I'm on their side. What about that part in the story where it's like, poetic and like, I don't always love a poetic sound in a story, but in this case, I loved it. Like the repetition of all while, like all while drugs were hidden in my son's backpack, all while the blue lights sifted through the windows. I think that was repeated three times, and I just thought it was so beautiful.

Allison Langer  14:33

I love that. I love it.

Andrea Askowitz  14:37

I don't usually, but this time, I really did. And then she tells us so much. The police were there because there was a fight with hookers. The honesty of it, too. I mentioned that a second ago, but right at the beginning, she says that all their money went for food and gas and some weed.

Allison Langer  14:59

Yeah.

Andrea Askowitz  14:59

She's not pretending that they're not smoking weed. I just- God. And later in the story, she mentions that the car was where they sold crack out of, so they're not just selling weed. She just tells it like it is.

Allison Langer  15:17

I really also like that she takes responsibility for, like, losing all her documents and not following up. I mean, she could have placed a bunch of blame, but she doesn't. She's like, yeah, I'm struggling here, and I'm fucking up.

Andrea Askowitz  15:31

So when she gets to five months pregnant, which is 20 weeks, I'm thinking, oh my god, like you try getting to the doctor under these circumstances, like, stop judging women. Just stop. Like it made me so mad, and I- I hope that list- other listeners have that reaction, because I feel like- and then she gets to the whole judgment as a religious question, which I also loved. I mean, here is a Catholic woman going through all of this, and also judging her own self because of everything that she has learned. And she comes to, at the end, which I think it's just so gorgeous, also which is that God is the only entity that can judge, and that's where she realizes that it's up to her, and if she needs to terminate this pregnancy, she she has to face herself and God, and that is it.

Allison Langer  16:31

But wait, is it God, or was it her conscience?

Andrea Askowitz  16:34

In this case, she talks about God, but I want to- I love that you asked me that, because I- Thanks, because I want to tell- I want to talk about what I learned from a member of Catholics for Choice. For me, I love Catholics for Choice, and they're one of our sponsors in this live show. And I spoke to someone who is very knowledgeable about Catholicism as a religion, and she told me that what's lost in the religion, and that has been, like, usurped by the church and by laws, the Catholic laws. But what's lost is this idea that conscience is the highest arbiter. That was what- exactly what you said. So what is arbiter? I think it's like a-

Allison Langer  17:18

Determinant, judge, like something- that's what determines.

Andrea Askowitz  17:22

Basically, the idea that's deeply rooted in the religion is this idea that our conscience, a woman's conscience, that is our deciding factor, our conscience, and that is it. And that's kind of what- what Nilsa alluded to. For her, it's- it's God. For Catholics for Choice, it's conscience, and maybe that's the same thing. Ooh, I just got religious.

Allison Langer  17:47

Yeah, that's okay. Evidently, it's okay for Catholics and Jews and many, many other people who also believe that a woman- it's a woman's right to choose, and for us to believe in our medical doctors, which we will hear coming up in our next story. Just to do a little teaser, we're going to hear from an OBGYN here in Miami.

Andrea Askowitz  18:10

Thank you, Nilsa Ada Rivera, for telling your story, and thank you for listening. Nilsa is a housing analyst and writer. Nilsa and I have been in writing groups together for like, 10 years, and now she's coming out with her first book in 2025 about affordable housing. I'm not going to take credit for it, but I'm just saying, she and I write together. If you loved this episode, please tell three friends what you learned, and please share this episode.

Allison Langer  18:42

Writing Class Radio is hosted by me, Allison Langer.

Andrea Askowitz  18:46

And me, Andrea Askowitz.

Allison Langer  18:47

Audio production by Matt Cundill, Evan Surminski and Aidan Glassey at the Soundoff Media Company. Theme music is by Kenny Korade. There's more writing class on our website, including stories we study, editing resources, video classes, writing retreats and live online classes. If you want to write with us every week, or if you're a business owner, community activist, group that needs healing, entrepreneur, and you want to help your team write better, check out all the classes we offer on our website, WritingClassRadio.com. Join the community that comes together for instruction, an excuse to write, and the support from other writers. To learn more, go to our website or patreon.com/writingclassradio. A full list of our sponsors and a link to donate to Yes on 4 can be found in our show notes. A new episode in this series will drop every Wednesday until the election.

Andrea Askowitz  19:40

There's no better way to understand ourselves and each other than by writing and sharing our story. Everyone has a story. What's yours?

Tara Sands (Voiceover)  19:54

Produced and distributed by the Soundoff Media Company.